No, sir, it is not accurate to call Michael Jackson the greatest entertainer in the world. He Was the greatest entertainer in the world back when he was still entertaining, but now he is just a plastic pop has-been who dangles his own babies around and probably touches other people’s babies in bad ways. And steals Beatles music. And co-opts the cause of struggling artists and their copyright struggles. And dresses really badly.
With his birthday celebrations today, he added yet another adjective to his name. Jackson is now 50, which makes him an OLD plastic, baby-dangling, bad way-touching, Beatles catalogue-stealing, copyright cause-co-opting, pop has-been.
To underscore the enormity of this event namely, Jacko making it to 50, let’s look at what 50 means.
A few other people who are 50 years old.
Christianne Amanpour is 50.
Christianne Amanpour is the half Iranian-half British Chief International Correspondent for CNN international, an evil western media organisation that never says anything positive about Africa. Amanpour is married and has one child, who she has never dangled over a balcony in full view of a mob of fans.
Ellen Degeneres is 50
Ellen Degeneres is a funny talk-show host who has starred in a popular sitcom that was named after her, and has won awards and acclaim for her goofy comedy routines. Degeneres does not sleep with little children. She sleeps with Portia de Rossi.
Michael Clarke Duncan is 50
Michael Clarke Duncan is a fridge with legs and arms who was first a bouncer before switching to the relatively pussy career of movie acting. Michael Clarke Duncan starred in The Green Mile, but he also starred in Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins, one of the most dire things ever ever. Michael Clarke Duncan built his body up with steroids, not with plastic surgery.
You see? 50 is the age of Amanpour, Mac and that doughy lesbian from the Emmys. I had a point early on when I started this post, but now I cannot remember what it is. Take this guy’s point instead.
And now to more important things. Obama .. I mean, Ominde:
This, ladies, gentlemen and others, is Sheila Ominde, the Kenyan contestant, if they can be called that, in the Big Brother house.
Mbu Contestant. Contesting in staying indoors? I don’t see this becoming an Olympic sport any time soon.
Sheila cusses virulently and many of you will concur: that is a very agreeable trait in a young lady. I find myself in full support of this girl and wish her the best.
I was showing you Sheila.
After being a foul-mouthed Kenyan babe and pulling all the accolades that brings, however, Sheila turned around and disappointed her fans marginally, when it was revealed that she is, in full, Sheila Ominde and is a former Miss Tourism Kenya.
A beauty pageant winner.
Life is messed up, people. I mean, you put yourself out there, you dare to trust, you believe in someone and then they turn out to be a former beauty queen.