My hood to your hood

According to research by the reputable numbers firm Steadman and associates (or is it the disreputable numbers firm that Steadman disassociates himself from? I need to remember to check that)  92% of every single Ugandan person who has ever logged on to any single one of the internets is an avid fan of the Sanyu FM morning shot, the Sanyu Breakfast.

And therefore probably heard  the wicked and malicious slur Breakfast deejay Fat Boy  uttered against the noble natives of the Bweyogerere area last week.

The rotund radioman said, all audacity and no shame, that when he meets fans from Bweyos and they ask after his co-host Melanie, they do this by mispronouncing her name. They say, he says, “Greet Merans.”

Shyaaa. That as if we be there so local that mbu we can’t say Melanie we only be there saying that I hear Merans. Shyaa.

Okay, granted some things cannot be denied and admittedly Bweyogerere-Kireka people are not the most sophisticated and wordly-wise in the nation. As a nigga who has repped that hood for many years, even I will admit it. Guys are L.

I am sorry for using the word Nigga, Phillip. I know it upsets you, but I find it funny. Hah and hah. Now, enough discourse on cultural politics and the ethics of history. Back to the blog post about Fat Boy.

Bweyos people are backawads, admittedly. Do you know what a Bweyogere takeaway is? It is a rickety table by the roadside next to the boda boda park/weed club. A bucket of chips sits on top of this table and behind it, a school truant with buswahili, ready to scoop out a handful of these chips for you if you give her five hundred shillings. For the chicken, all you do is step to the next stall. There is a charcoal grill with bits of chicken-corpse on top of the rusty grid getting charred. Next to him is the rolex. Bweyos doesn’t have the gourmet rolex you Wandegeya people are used to. Just the basic primitive two-egg thing. Tut tut.

If it’s any consolation, there are two takeaways in Kireka. All you have to is walk down over what will eventually become the northern bypass and you can find sausages on sale inside buildings. But they look like little shriveled guinea pig embryos so I don’t recommend them.

Bweyogere/Kireka isn’t the most styled up, we know. The Twin Trade Centres have like only one internet place. And that is only used for porn, but that doesn’t mean you Bukoto snobs have the right to pick on us like this. Are we the only uncivilized boondock loserville suburb in Kampala?

No. According to research from a numbers firm etc…

1. Najanankumbi people only wear knickers on Christmas and if they are in the bridal entourage at weddings.
2. People in Zzana actually pay money to watch Ragga Compious, Master Parrot and No Creature perform on stage. You can’t imagine.
3. In Bwaise they still listen to Judy Boucher. On cassette tape, moreover. I mean aate what.
4. There is a part of Kyebando that is so backawad, they have an LC 0.5
5. There are three donkeys in lower Nateete serving as a boda boda.

I will stop now. You get the idea.

It’s showtime

Live from The world famous Mityana TV studio iiiiiits,

What’s Wrong With This Picture!

(Studio applause.)

…With your host, Errrrrrnest Bazanye!!

dude

(Wild studio applause.)

Baz: (After running onto the set like Tyra and hi-fiving the members of the audience): Thank you thank you. You are too kind. Settle down settle down.

(To Camera) Hello viewers at home, and welcome to another edition of your favourite game show, What’s Wrong With This Picture. Brought to you by Nice House of Plastics. Let’s meet our contestants.

(Turns to contestants)

Our contestant number one is The Legendary Queen of Soul herself, two hundred and forty-five-time Grammy award winner, Aretha Franklin!

Aretha

(Studio applause).

Contestant number two is former Mbarara Municipality Member of Parliament and two-time Kora Award nominee, Winnie Byanyima!

Last but not exactly least, contestant number three. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the most annoying human being in history, Chris Tucker!

chris

(Studio barf)

Are you ready to play What’s Wrong With This Picture?!

All three contestants: Smile bashfully.

Baz: Our first picture was taken outside a mosque in Bweyogere on Idd El Fitr. For those of you watching in areas like Mityana where they still have Black and White TVs, it is a picture of a pink, repeat, pink Mitsubishi sports car.

pink sports car

First contestant, what is wrong with this picture?

Winnie: I think what is wrong with this picture is…

Baz: Please, speak faster, Winnie, we don’t have all day.

Winnie: Sorry. I think what is wrong with this picture is that there is a car, but there is no road. My answer is lack of road.

Baz: Contestant number two, what do you think is wrong with this picture?

Chris: Can Winnie and I get a room?

Baz: Security, please hose the contestant down.

(Contestant is hosed down.)

Baz: Contestant number one. Aretha, what is your answer?

Aretha: Baz, I couldn’t help but notice that the car is coloured Pink. That is distressing to me. How can a sports car be coloured pink? My answer is The Screamingly Inappropriate Colour Of The Vehicle.

Baz: Judges, what do you think? (Pause. Listens to earpiece.)

Baz: The judges say… The Screamingly Inappropriate Colour Of The Vehicle is correct! Ten points to Queen of Soul and two hundred and forty-five-time Grammy award winner, Aretha Franklin!

(Studio applause.)

Baz: And now for our second round, picture number two. This is Rocko Artis, a local artiste at one of those sorts of places where you find this sort of person.

local artiste

Let us ask our contestants what is wrong with this picture. Winnie, what is wrong with this picture?

Winnie: Eugh! That is not bling bling, that is bleah bleah!

Baz: Not Bling bling but bleah bleah? Judges what is your response? (Listens to earpiece) The judges say close but no cigar. Sorry Winnie. Next contestant. Chris Tucker.

Chris: I think he looks hot. I’d definitely do him.

Baz: Security please hose the contestant down harder. In fact, no. Beat him with blocks of ice.

(Contestant is beaten with blocks of ice until he calms down)

Baz: Contestant Aretha, you are the one that’s left. What is your answer?

Aretha: Well, Baz, I think this picture is dreadful. Look at that boy. He epitomises the word “nigger.” I am black myself, but even I feel like practicing racial discrimination against him.

Baz: Judges, is that right? Epitomising Nigger? (Listens to ear piece) Yes, that is correct. And the second round goes to Aretha Franklin, contestant number one!

(Studio applause.)

Baz: Now, don’t forget, you are watching What’s Wrong With This Picture, brought to you by Nice House of Plastics, MTN Everywhere you go and Rosa Toilet Paper Everytime you go. We’ll be right back after these messages.

artis

What is wrong with Africa? (Or this move cut goes out to 27th Comrade)

This um… intriguing email came to me last week. Usually I would have cursed the sender and his ISP for the misplaced inverted commas in the subject line, but it came from a man I have considerable admiration for. He is a very good singer. I won’t say who it is here. Reasons why will become clear by the end.

The subject line:

Who named “Africa” Africa?

 (I know. Gahkh!!)

 The body of the email:

For the last 10 years that i have spent in my music career i have been a firm believer of Africa. My music bears witness to this. It is only of recent while in studio recording yet another “Africa” centered song that a question posed itself to me without any solicited prompting. The questions that i have failed to answer and am therefore kindly asking the general African population to help ourselves answer  is: Who named us Africans. If indeed it was the Europeans as some friends of mine say, which particular European came up with the name “Africa” and what did he base on?
Who knows; we might be facing our current hopelessness as a people without knowing whether its our daily confessions that we are “Africans” that  invokes  the wrath of the meaning “Africa”. I hope that  “Africa” does not mean the “cursed one”. Should the researched meaning be degrading to us, i plead with fellow continental people to rename our land!!

 

My first impulse was to say “Two words, dude: Wikipedia.” But then, he asked the general African population, not just me, so 27th Comrade, what do you think?

Random (Multilingual) Thuroggits

Don’t complain about work. You are not supposed to enjoy your job. If God wanted you to enjoy your job, he wouldn’t have called it work. He would have called it Ice Cream.

En español: No se queje por trabajo. Le no suponen gozar de su trabajo. Si el dios quisiera que usted gozara de su trabajo, él no lo habría llamado trabajo. Él lo habría llamado helado.

I met Big Ben. He’s little. So I asked, “Where is the rest?” No one could tell me.

In italiano: Ho venuto a contatto di Ben grande. È piccolo. Così ho chiesto, “dove è il resto?” Nessuno hanno potuto dirmi.

Yoweri Museveni with Buchaman’s dreadlocks. Serious babemagnet, I’ll bet.

Auf deutsch: Yoweri Museveni mit dreadlocks Buchamans. Ernstes babemagnet, wette ich.

I have heard it said that sooner or later everybody gets haemorroids and dies. Not necessarily at the same time, of course.

Em português: Eu ouvi-me disse que aquele mais logo ou mais tarde todos começa a haemorroids e morre. Não necessariamente ao mesmo tempo, naturalmente.

But Museveni could do with a visit to the gym. Just once in a while, doggie, it won’t kill you.

En Francais: Mais Museveni a pu faire avec une visite à la salle de gymnastique. Juste de temps à autre, chienchien, il ne vous tuera pas.

Wonder if he has haemorroids. He is quite old. He might have.

En español: l: Pregúntese si él tiene haemorroids. Él es absolutamente viejo. Él puede ser que tenga.

Whatever Stephen Fry is smoking 

In het Nederlands: Welk Stephen ook Fry rookt.

In loco

Live from The world famous Mityana TV studio iiiiiits,

What’s Wrong With This Picture!

(Studio applause.)

…With your host, Errrrrrnest Bazanye!!

  dude  

(Wild studio applause.)

Baz: (After running onto the set like Tyra and hi-fiving the members of the audience): Thank you thank you. You are too kind. Settle down settle down.

(To Camera) Hello viewers at home, and welcome to another edition of your favourite game show, What’s Wrong With This Picture. Brought to you by Nice House of Plastics. Let’s meet our contestants.

(Turns to contestants)

Our contestant number one is The Legendary Queen of  Soul herself, two hundred and forty-five-time Grammy award winner, Aretha Franklin!

Aretha

 

(Studio applause).

Contestant number two is former Mbarara Municipality Member of Parliament and two-time Kora Award nominee, Winnie Byanyima!

 

Last but not exactly least, contestant number three. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the most annoying human being in history, Chris Tucker!

chris

(Studio barf)

Are you ready to play What’s Wrong With This Picture?!

All three contestants:  Smile bashfully.

Baz: Our first picture was taken outside a mosque in Bweyogere on Idd El Fitr. For those of you watching in areas like Mityana where they still have Black and White TVs, it is a picture of a pink, repeat, pink Mitsubishi sports car.

pink sports car

First contestant, what is wrong with this picture?

Winnie: I think what is wrong with this picture is…

Baz: Please, speak faster, Winnie, we don’t have all day.

Winnie: Sorry. I think what is wrong with this picture is that there is a car, but there is no road. My answer is lack of road.

Baz: Contestant number two, what do you think is wrong with this picture?

Chris: Can Winnie and I get a room?

Baz: Security, please hose the contestant down.

(Contestant is hosed down.)

  

Baz: Contestant number one. Aretha, what is your answer?

Aretha: Baz, I couldn’t help but notice that the car is coloured Pink. That is distressing to me. How can a sports car be coloured pink? My answer is The Screamingly Inappropriate Colour Of The Vehicle.

Baz: Judges, what do you think? (Pause. Listens to earpiece.)

Baz: The judges say… The Screamingly Inappropriate Colour Of The Vehicle is correct! Ten points to Queen of Soul and two hundred and forty-five-time Grammy award winner, Aretha Franklin!

(Studio applause.)

Baz: And now for our second round, picture number two. This is Rocko Artis, a local artiste at one of those sorts of places where you find this sort of person.

local artiste

Let us ask our contestants what is wrong with this picture. Winnie, what is wrong with this picture?

Winnie: Eugh! That is not bling bling, that is bleah bleah!

Baz: Not Bling bling but bleah bleah? Judges what is your response? (Listens to earpiece) The judges say close but no cigar. Sorry Winnie. Next contestant. Chris Tucker.

Chris: I think he looks hot. I’d definitely do him.

Baz: Security please hose the contestant down harder. In fact, no. Beat him with blocks of ice.

(Contestant is beaten with blocks of ice until he calms down)

Baz: Contestant Aretha, you are the one that’s left. What is your answer?

Aretha: Well, Baz, I think this picture is dreadful. Look at that boy. He epitomises the word “nigger.” I am black myself, but even I feel like practicing racial discrimination against him.

Baz: Judges, is that right? Epitomising Nigger? (Listens to ear piece) Yes, that is correct. And the second round goes to Aretha Franklin, contestant number one!

(Studio applause.)

Baz: Now, don’t forget, you are watching What’s Wrong With This Picture, brought to you by Nice House of Plastics, MTN Everywhere you go and Rosa Toilet Paper Everytime you go. We’ll be right back after these messages.

artis

Ear Worms (or The Eternal Internal Jukebox)

You know how some random phrase, casually encountered just out of the blue, will trigger off the memory of some song? And this song will start looping in the back of your mind and never stop ever again? At least not until the next song comes along? Or is it just me?

I am keeping a log of the “ear worms” today.
10:00am- Staring at the Sun by U2

I was looking for new desktop wallpaper and landed on a picture of a planet emerging from behind the sun. Very picturesque. (No, that is not the wallpaper I used. I settled on Liv Tyler. It is a Teusday. The rationale that links Tyler with Tuesday may not be clear, but trust me, it exists.)
That was enough to get Bono’s sepulchral, soulless zombie wail echoing through my head.
 

11:30 am
The theme of Two and A Half Men.

A friend says, “I’m bored and disgruntled. Maybe I’ll get a boyfriend to distract me.” The discussion leads to the option of senseless, meaningless, commitment-free liaisons instead of boyfriends. Like Charlie in the second GREATEST SITCOM ALIVE OMG OMG TOTALLY!!!!111!!.
Now all I am hearing is the theme song of Two and A Half Men.

11:58
What a Life, by Saigon.

He is an underground rapper you may not have heard of. This worm got in because David asked for some music. While I was copying the files to his flash disc, I noticed this one. Nice. Started humming it. At last a worm that comes in through the front door.

1:10 pm
Joe Le Taxi, by Vanessa Paradis

Not very imaginative, I know, but while walking to the taxi stage I somehow picked up Joe Le Taxi. Trouble is I don’t really know the words, so my head just mumbled, “Joe Le Taxi, su kaaabo, (turump!) Alimumaaso, alasiri (turump!) Joe Le Taxi (turummm-tuRUMP!)” etc. etc.

3:30pm
Champagne Supernova, by Oasis
I have no idea what started this, but I love the song, so I am grateful. In fact I decided to play it properly. From the beginning to the bridge to the end. Making little air-guitar movements with my fingers.

3:38pm
&^£$£@!!

Guy in the taxi next to me has one of those fancy-ass phones which have actual songs as ringtones. And this &*%£Grunt!Grunt!!?*$$!! had a Kenny G song to alert him of incoming phonecalls.
Before I developed the sophisticated and enlightened jazz tastes I have now, before I became a jazz snob, I actually owned Kenny G’s Breathless. So I kind of know the songs. Which means that they can actually loop through the jukebox…I had to gird my mental loins against it. Champagne Supernova! I demanded. Champagne! Super! Nova!

3:41pm
Umbrella, Rihanna

Back in the office to update this blog post. I get to the comments. Soulchild and Victoria are talking about Umbrella. The Gallagher brothers crumble before the force of that song.

3:50pm
Got yourself a…
By Nas (and,  jumping in and out, the Sopranos)

I am IM-chatting with one of my peoples and this particular peoples, in the course of the chat, declares, “I need to get myself a life.”
In my head, like clockwork, it begins: “Woke up this morning… Got yourself a gun! Got yourself a gun. Got yourself a…”
 

Things I have learnt this week:

Monday- The stupid are alive. They walk among us. We must be constantly vigilant.

Tuesday- The stupid breed. They multiply. They are increasing in number.

Wednesday- The stupid outnumber us. We are doomed.

Thursday- The stupid may be reading this! They know we are on to them!

Friday- I just sent an email to the government, demanding to know what they are doing about the spread of stupidity. I expect a reply along the lines of “We encourage it heartily. And the Cabinet is keen to keep the lead in the increase of what we see as a vital national resource.”

Bertha, I understand, left the house.

I am not that BBA-savvy. I don’t have a lot of time to watch the show. I just get to hear bits and pieces.

I do know that there is a sleazy Tanzanian who has spent the entire duration of his stay trying to commit adultery with what looks like a set of five broomsticks tied together with bikini-fabric.

Then there is a Ghanaian, Patrick Quarcoo, a former radio station executive.

There is Moli, my former cousin, who has set up a home in the Big Brother house with a nice young man who doesn’t have a name but is known, instead, by a code.

There was a Kenyan possessed by evil spirits and a pair of large breasts but those were evicted. That is the sum of my BBA knowledge.

So when I heard that Bertha was out, I needed to ask, “Which one is that?”

“The bitchy one.”

“Which one is that?”

“The one from Zimbabwe.”

“Which one is that?”

When I saw this news story, I had to call my BBA correspondent. “Bertha from Zimbabwe: Put her back in,” I said.

According to AHN News
“Despite the fact that the price of beer has skyrocketed over 100 percent to $280,000 from $70,000 a pint, Zimbabwe’s inflation rate nevertheless registered a slowdown to 6,592 percent in August;”

Imagine she wins, takes the prize money, goes back home and…

         …all she can do is buy a doughnut.

That would be fun.

Social Anthropological Studies of Toilets

Okay. There are three stalls and three sinks. A sink in front of each stall.

If you are a normal hygienic male you do not want to sit on somebody’s shitty shoeburyness. That is to say, you don’t want to walk into the loo some guy just defiled a second ago. You want a fresh one.

So, which stall do you go for?

I assume, I have not done the social anthropological studies to ascertain for a fact, that the best idea is to go to the furthest one. That is the one that is least likely to have been used recently because most other chaps will go for the nearest ones.

Right?

Unless most guys think they want the privacy of the furthest stall from the door. So that stall is actually the most popular.

I am looking at the middle stall with interest. It is probably the least-used stall because guys will avoid it in the name of privacy. I figure that if you want privacy, you won’t want a stall which is in the middle because the next guy to come in will have no choice but to sit right next to you. The furthest stall at least makes the middle stall available to act as a security buffer zone.

It gets worse.

What if you walk in and find one guy in the loos. He is at the sink in the middle.

Digression: There used to be a guy in this office who I and others called Heinous Anus. It was highly advised that any bowel movements male employees plan to have be executed before six o’clock. Because this guy usually liked to pass by for a hearty dump just before he headed home.

And what a hearty dump it was. The entire loo was a fallout zone for an hour after. You know those of until it is even warm? The entire room! Generally, if you saw Heinous Anus lumbering his big bottoms towards the gents, it were best you just surrendered and moved to the lower floor.

He retired, bless him, and so the loos are free from him now. Though there is someone we have not yet identified. We call him Splatterguts. He makes a mess. Eugh.

Back to the question at hand. You walk into the gents. There is a guy washing his hands in the sink. Which stall do you go to? You have to find a way of figuring out which stall he has just used and avoiding that one.

You would assume that it is the stall behind the sink he is using, right?

Not quite. I just got back from the gents. A guy was washing his hands in the middle sink. The middle stall behind him was occupied. The other two were vacant. The door of the further one was open. I assumed that is the one dude had just come from.

So I go to nearer one.

EUGh!!!

Footprints on the toilet seat and wiz all over the place.

I am going to buy a potty for myself.