African Idols

My favourite part of Idols so far: We are in Botswana when this fellow walks into audition room. He is going to do a dancehall song of his own composition. He introduces himself and begins a session of banter with the judges.

But he is not speaking in normal English. He insists on talking in strings of deep Jamaican patios. At first the judges laugh and play along, but after his performance, which wasn’t that good, they have to ask why he won’t speak normally.

He replies in patios.


They ask him if he has ever been to Jamaica.

He says, in patios, that he hasn’t, but him friend dem a teach him.

They ask why he talks like that. He replies, needless to belabour, in patios.

Angela Angweny, that unnatractive hag, that hideous crone, that repugnant harridan of a judge, asked, in one last desperate attempt to get him, “How do you speak to your mother?”

And just before he disappeared through the door him-and-him replied, “In Setswana.”

Silence is broken, no words were spoken

The office is silent, because it is Friday afternoon and, more importantly, that annoying radio speaker is either malfunctioning or someone did something to it but isn’t saying. The silence is suddenly broken by High Strung Writer.

High Strung Writer: Stupidbastardidiotfoolnonsense!!!!

New Administrative Assistant taken aback. She huddles close to Nearest Other Staff Member.

NAA: What on earth?
NOSM: His computer has probably frozen again.
NAA: Such a violent outburst! Is he okay?
HSW: Bastardassidiotshitassholefuckwad sonofadonkeybloodyfuckshithole syphillipticcrushedtesticlemonstershitbastard!!!!!!!

NOSM: Naye even you, instead of cussing out like that, why don’t you call the IT department?
HSW: I just did. Who do you think I was referring to just now?

I just wanna feel your rhythm

And now for something completely different– addressing the issues of the day.

When addressing issues with a view to finding workable solutions to nagging problems, we need to bring forth those who have a stake in the welfare of the communities for open dialogue, because as the great Aristotle said, “An issue discussed is an issue discussed.”

One of the leading causes of social unrest in Uganda today is neighbours with loud radios. Loud radios which they play when we are trying to sleep, or to rest, or to read or to be intimate with our spouses.  I am sure most of you out there know what I am talking about: you are in your room with your wife or some similar woman, being romantic, then the mood is suddenly shattered by the sounds of rap music blasting through the walls.

Anyway, in the studio this evening, to help us understand the issue better, we are pleased to welcome The Neighbour With The Loudest Radio in Uganda to the studio. Welcome.

NWLRIU: Thank you. First of all, I would like to say, good evening to all the listeners out there. Those who are listening to me at my home, and those who are in the surrounding buildings who can hear by virtue of the volume of my radio…

Host: Let us get right into it, Disco. The first question, the question that is on everybody’s mind right now. Are you deaf?

Disco: Thank you for that question. I am glad you asked that because it gives me the opportunity to address a very common misconception about us. A lot of people think that the reason we play our music with the volume up to maximum even late in the night or early in the morning is because we have hearing damage and are unable to hear the music if it is played at a normal volume. Many people think this. However, I assure you that it is not true. I am not deaf. Yet.  I may become deaf in the future from prolonged exposure to loud music, but as of now my hearing is quite normal. The reason for the loud volume is not being deaf. It is being local. We are local. That is why we play music at full blast.

We interrupt our regular programming…

The miles we have come and the battles won and lost
Are just so many roads traveled, so many rivers crossed
And I ask God for the strength and faith in one another
‘Cause its a good night for a ride,
cross this river to the other side
My Blood Brother.


Be back next week, hopefully with the sexy Diedre. Who is the sexy Diedre? Tune in to find out.

 Update Monday April 21:
…wondering how come I could blogg about Phantom Federici but couldn’t muster the words to blog about Buddo.

Maybe it is easier to look at the passing of a rock star at 58. He didn’t die easily, but he left a life we can celebrate. He played with Springsteen! It is easier to say goodnight sweet prince, may choirs of angels sing you “Promised Land” to your rest.

But Buddo? Ah.

And this tragedy isn’t even over yet. It is still going on. Every day the papers produce another detail that colours it more vivid.

20 kids.

Some things are easier to say than others.



Diedre is coming soon. Don’t hate, techies, don’t hate.

Never to be seen

I am really sorry I haven’t been around for so many days. I was the victim of a vile and tenacious bit of malaria— one that took two rounds of treatment and six days to dispatch. I am well, now, no need to worry any more.

There is precious little for an invalid to do for entertainment, especially not in my new hood, Kyaliwajjala. As someone may have mentioned before, the area isn’t exactly a Soho. It’s not even Coney Island. If I have got the refereces correct. If I haven’t it’s not because I care.

I won’t say anything about all those people who didn’t come to see me yet they live like, just emanga.

Hey, by the way, if by any chance fujitsu passes by here, could you get in touch with me? Please. I might be there with a business proposal operation that would be of mutual benefit all three parties in the short run, interim and more. Hit me up on

I spent a lot of time watching TV, while I was  in bed. I kept seeing Europeans dressed as Tibetian monks holding up placards. Their demonstrations followed the Olympic torch around the world.

Oh, and Vanilla Ice was arrested last week!

The demonstrations called for a boycott of the Olympics, which, this year, are meant to be held in China, a country with an appalling human rights record. The demonstrators were particularly irked over the issue of Tibet, where the communist government of China runs what has been characterized as an “apartheid” operation.

My friends are in South Africa graduating. University, Carlo? I thought you were in Molly and Paul. But seriously, congratulations, kid. Here is a gift for you. (And the other one is for Peter.)

I remember studying this stuff long ago, World History in A’ Level, and being struck by how profoundly monstrous the leaders of the People’s Republic were. Why did I get to thinking that things had changed? Apparently market reforms have not been met by political reforms and the party is as evil as it was under Mao. Who was an insatiable asshole, by the way.

Vanilla Ice was arrested, munange. Yeah. For domestic battery. He pushed his wife to the floor and so the cops came through and Akonned him.

In a bid to consolidate control over Tibet, which is supposed to be an autonomous region of China, the government flooded the region with members of the Han ethnic group, and systematically gives preferential treatment in terms of education, employment and welfare to Han Chinese, leaving ethnic Tibetans as second-class citizens in their own land.

I know what you are thinking: A woman somewhere actually married Vanilla Ice??