Our Hero, as usual, minding his own sepikies, is accosted by the little girl from next door. The following ensues.
- Hi Baz.
- Hello Lizzie, it’s been a whi… What the &#@$!!!ing *&^*%$!!!alacious *&^%&#*!!!eplical ^%#@$%!!!ck!
- Baz, seriously, the language. There are three-year-olds present.
- Lizzie, allow me to say two things.
- As long as they can be typed without asterisks.
- The first is this: Lizzie Puh-leese. How do you, of all people, get to tell me or anyone else to mind their language? The reason we started calling you Screaming Lizzie in the first place is because of those furious tantrums you liked to throw at the maid. Since you learnt how to talk they have taken on a whole new dimension. You don’t shirk away, do you, from exhorting her to do very gruesome things with and to her most private portions…
- I have an excuse. She provokes me.
- You routinely cite orifices that are only otherwise mentioned in Biology Ph.D theses.
- It’s her fault. She’s so stubborn that profanity is the only way to get through to her.
- The other day you told her to @#$% her $%#^ in the @#$@#$@!%!
- Yes, but…
- …while $^%&ing her !#%^&
- I know but…
- … with a &*(%#@!
- You said you had two things to mention Baz. Maybe we should get to the second.
- Oh, yes. The second thing is actually the first thing, in that it is the one that caused me to erupt into such fiery exclamations earlier. It is the sight of you, jarring at the best of times, now made suddenly more terrible—Lizzie, what have you done with your face? Did you pluck your eyebrows?
- Yes, I did pluck my eyebrows! You like?
- Lizzie, you are three years old. You cannot be plucking your eyebrows. It’s wrong.
- It’s not wrong. It’s hot. Stop being lame.
- I’m not being lame. I’m being mortified. It’s freakish.
- It’s not freakish, it’s glamourous. Get with the programme.
- That’s not the programme. That is a virus corrupting the whole Operating System! You look like an amphibian!
- I don’t look like an amphibian, I look like a star. I’m gorgeous.
- You are not gorgeous, you are THREE YEARS OLD!
- Baz, you and those things of being stuck in the olden days of 2004.
- What’s with kids these days? Why are you all in such a hurry to be video hoes? The other day I saw a ka-tadpole at Garden City trying to walk in high heels. Of course they were too big for her, reason being that there is no shop that manufactures high heeled shoes for people three feet tall.
- There is nothing wrong with a little glamour once in a while, Baz. Nothing wrong with a little sparkle…
- Not unless you are, and you are, barely post-natal. You are supposed to be toddling around barefoot with a running nose and flies in your bututwa. Instead you are plucking your eyebrows. You know what? I blame Lady Gaga. This is the influence of Lady Gaga.
- Lady Gaga is fabulous.
- That guy is leading a whole generation astray.
- Hah! I knew it. This whole rant was just an excuse to take a cheap shot at Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga is not a man, you hater!
- He is a man. A dude. A fella. And the day I learn how to vandalise wikepedia pages, I’ll prove it.
- Why don’t you aim your cheap shots at Rihanna or Beyonce? Why pick on the white girl? It’s racism!
- He cut off his penis for fame and fortune! That’s worse than when black African people bleach and forge foreign accents!
- Okay, Baz. I have never said this before, I know, but you have a point. The truth is that I didn’t have my eyebrows plucked. That idiot maid let me sit too close to the stove when she was cooking and they got singed off. These two strands are all I have left.
- I smugly accept this victory and magnanimously offer sympathy
- And as for Lady Gaga…
- Fuck him.
One of the prime values of the professional news media is something called impartiality. It is held that an objective and disinterested approach to the news is the best way to prevent bias. But sometimes objectivity and impartiality just get in the way and you find that you, as a journalist, cannot tell the whole truth of a story while being impartial at the same time.
For example, here is an impartial BBC news report.
The Somali Islamist group al-Shabab has said it was behind twin blasts which hit the Ugandan capital Kampala on Sunday, killing 74 people.
In a statement in Mogadishu, spokesman for the group Sheikh Ali Mohamud Rage threatened more attacks.
Police said the bombings targeted football fans watching the World Cup final.
You see how much is lacking from this report? If only the writers had been allowed to tell the whole, uncensored truth, then it would have been more accurate. As follows.
A spokesman for Al-Shabab, a bunch of cowardly scumbags who, by attacking the defenseless and the innocent, mock the profession of soldiering and blaspheme the name of the God they purport to serve, has opened his obscene maw and shamelessly uttered a confession, admitting that they were behind twin blasts which hit the Ugandan capital Kampala on Sunday, senselessly murdering 74 or our brothers and sisters.
The statement was delivered from the safety of faraway Mogadishu, by a spineless hyena named Ali Mohamud Rage. We shall not demean the honourable title of “sheikh” by placing it in front of the name of such a disgusting rogue.
Police said the bombings targeted football fans watching the World Cup final.
Okay, web 2.0 new media Ugandan blogger comment on the events that have stunned our city, Kampala.
As you know, we woke up this morning to news that two bombs went off at different points in our city and have killed 64 people by last count. Several more are injured. We don’t know who, so right now everyone is on mobile phones, on facebook, on Gmail looking for a sign that everyone else is okay.
Because of the location of the attacks, for once, it’s us, The Web 2.0 generation, that is affected, so we are watching our twitter and facebook feeds with trepidation, like any second now…
It’s too early to say who is responsible or why, and even though it is whispered abroad that it was a pair of suicide bombings staged by Al-Shahab, the Somali terrorist organization. We should know by now that the truth doesn’t get here that soon and that any conclusions now would be premature.
If you’re good check in and let us know. If you know who is not, tell us.
We have seen Akon, Wycleff, Shaggy, Joe, UB40 – international pop stars such as these flying all the way down to this Uganda to perform for us. Thank you beer and airtime companies. But the people we have been most interested in seeing are yet to appear.
We haven’t seen any hot international female RnB stars coming to Uganda to perform. Why is this? Why doesn’t Beyonce come to Uganda?
Our investigative team tracked the Destiny’s Child frontwoman down on facebook and held this interview.
- Hello, Beyonce. We are very glad you could make the time to talk to us. Beyonce, why don’t you come to perform in Uganda?
- Where’s Uganda? Is it in Utah?
- No, it’s in Africa.
- Where’s Africa?
- That’s where all the black people come from.
- So it’s in Brooklyn?
- No, there is a continent called Africa, after Europe and Asia and before Australia. It’s called Africa. Umm… Where Madonna got her kid, David.
- I thought David was from Brooklyn.
- No, he’s from Malawi. In Africa. Look, have you watched that movie, Coming To America, starring Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall?
- Who is Arsenio Hall?
- The other guy in the movie.. Look have you watched it or not?
- Yeah, I’ve watched it.
- Now Eddie Murphy was a prince called Akeem, from a kingdom called Zamunda in another land, wasn’t he?
- Yes, I remember. And he came to Queens to find a bride.
- Yes. Well, Eddie Murphy’s land was in Africa.
- Hah hah! Don’t be silly. That land wasn’t real. It was made up for the movie. There is no such place as Zamunda. Duh.
That is why Beyonce has never come to Uganda.