Early morning meetings are one of the most lethal workplace hazards human office drones have to contend with in the ongoing process of slow death they call their “lives”.
We, the Condemmend of the New Vision had one this morning.
There was a very important issue to discuss. Very important. Very very important. Even more important than why the fuck we keep printing semicolons all over the freaking place with such shizophrenic disregard for all the laws of holy physics, and it was not about how to put the dismal company website finally out of the internet’s misery.
No. More important than that. It was about (redacted because I don’t think you have the clearance to read about the company’s issues).
As we stewed in that room, in which dozens of us were crammed and, may I add, crammed during a time when the building’s AC is not working and the issue of how to open the windows of this ultramodern office complex is not yet important enough to warrant a meeting of its own, we listened to an array of managers explain how the rest of us are really screwing the company over with our laziness and how if we don’t style up, God help the bosses they will (redacted) all our asses.
Of course they didn’t say it in those words. That would have been much briefer. And you know what “brief meeting” is? It’s an oxymoron, okay? Write that down.
One of the most impressive presentations was given by a manager we will call Sam. Sam had a lot to say about how our slack-jawed incompetence was costing the company a lot of money. Of course he didn’t use any of those words.
One of the words he DID use, as he explained the way the newspaper was made in the factory — or the way the newspaper WOULD be made if we weren’t such a bunch of useless monkeyfarts who never met a minute we couldn’t waste — one of the words he did use was “inserting.”
I found myself giggling like a P7 kid.
Cue that harp and violins and chimes music that movies use to indicate that an epiphany has been achieved.
They say every day is a learning experience, and that day I learnt a very important lesson. That lesson is that meetings can be fun if you decide to take every innocent thing the manager says and try to turn it into a filthy sexual innuendo. For example, Sam said the following:
- “From the inner downward parts”
- “So now we are entering where Lwanga comes in”
- ” We use the same machines”
I have not had so much fun in a meeting ever in my life.
Whatever Lynn Truss is smoking, I want some.
Somewhere in Wina Classic’s new store in Garden City you will find a pair of shoes—sneakers—going for 350,000 shillings. Listen. If you must insult me, just call me a disgusting streak of residue staining the latrine wall of society to my freaking face. Don’t go around in circles of simanyi trying to sell me sneakers at 350,000shillings as if they have a 3.2megapixel camera and GPRS-Edge connectivity and dual sim-card capacity in them. Nttsssss.
They say every guy wishes he was Barney. A lot of guys think they are Barney. A few guys actually are.
I have writer’s block. Can you tell? I am convinced now that the reason I will never be one of those writers is that I can never just tell you what I think or how I feel about things. So there will never be that connection with me that you develop with those writers who express some emotion or some idea that you yourself have experienced right there in your own heart and mind. That sense of kinship, we will never share it. Because the most I can do is tell you a fragile lie, or a coy joke, or a completely meaningless gust of fairydust.
One of the top stories in Ugandan politics last week was the results of the FDC flag-bearers race. The competition to see who will represent the party if they field a candidate for the next presidential election was between Gen Mugisha Muntu and Col Kiiza Besigye. Besigye won and the implications of this contest are still being discussed in more intellectual circles but we don’t want the common yuppie on the streets to be left out. So, to keep you in the loop, we have translated pretty much every interview Mugisha Muntu will give on the subject into simple, easy-to-grasp, yuppie slang, as follows.
Q: Boss, what up.
A: I’m easy.
Q: Guy, I hear that elections, what, Besigye, what, flag bearer, simanyi what?
A: Man, it was a hard paper.
Q: Those things?
A: You know.
A: I’m easy otherwise.
You’re up to date.
A little girl gazes with eyes full of admiration at her mother’s long flowing tresses and asks, “Mummy, how do you get such lovely hair?”
“From India,” the woman replies, because you must never lie to children.
If you have a seque lying around nearby, please insert it here to lead from that to the next paragraph.
International Consumer Rights Protection agencies have obtained satellite photos of stockpiles of black dye and shaving cream hidden in granaries and sheds in several rural Indian villages. A link is suspected between these stockpiles and the increasing number of bald dogs that have been spotted roaming around said villages.
The agencies are looking with concern at the correlation between the short bristles of a dog’s fur and the long strands usually packaged as human hairpieces from India and are trying to find a means of transforming one to the other. Once they do, they will release a full report.
I don’t like to think of myself as a petty little bitch, but I probably am exactly that. I just defriended a colleague of mine from facebook because I don’t like his English.
He’s a pleasant enough fellow. Every time he sees me in the corridors he shouts, “Eh, that’s a bad idea! Lol!” so I wince, though I don’t say anything, because he means well, but besides that, we don’t have much conversation.
We were until lately friends on facebook as well and he was almost as prolific as I am in his updates.
The problem is not that his updates are written in a lopsidey pidgin that he thinks is English. That’s not the issue. A lot of people write and speak broken English. If you are not an English teacher or in any other way professionally obliged to communicate in proper English, then, though it may be a bit irritating sometimes, it really isn’t reason enough to completely defenestrate you.
Problem is that he is a journalist.
And he does it all the time.
And they are realy really really bad.
Half the time I can’t make out what he’s trying to say. The other half I’m convinced he isn’t trying at all. He’s just sitting on the keyboard. The resultant status message is his ass typing.
I don’t expect too much from Ugandan journalists, do I? I mean, we are a bunch of idiots and everyone knows that, so why should I expect our facebook updates to be better written than our newspapers?
I am a petty bitch. I shouldn’t have defriended the guy.
But how do you misspell the word “daft”?
We must warn you: He is not very bright. In fact why lie. He’s a footballer. He’s thick.
Me am Christiano Ronaldo and am footballer. Footballer they kick ball. Me am footballer I kick ball good. Others they kick ball but they do not kick ball good like me. Me I kick ball best! Even akse Rooney. Hah. I kick ball better than Rooney! Rooney him old wanker. Only know how to play balls not kick ball good.
When go to play a play football. Football is when many people they come on pitch and kick ball. One kick ball and ball go. Sometimes go to another one. Sometimes to another one. Others they are there try to get ball on their legs but they are other team and me I don’t want. So kick nicely and ball go to my team not to theirs.
At end someone kick ball at me and me I kick good and ball go in net and goal. Everyone happy. Whole stadium happy. Whole TV happy. Even in Africa people watch Christiano Ronaldo goal even though them live in trees and wear mongoose skins not trousers! Lol. Me I want say hi to all my African fans and I love them. Message is stop practicing cannibalism.
So me kick many many goals and whole world happy. Women like me. Not understand soccer because man’s brain like Christiano Ronaldo’s brain always bigger and smarter than all woman. True. Once I talk to Dr Condoleeza Rice at charity dinner. She say not able understand single thing I say even when I talk loud and slow. Because she woman.
So me Christiano Ronaldo and hope you support all teams me play for. Fuck all teams me play against.
Ricky Martin began the week by announcing to the world that that he was a homosexual. To which the more astute members of the world responded by saying, “Stupid. Next time don’t waste our time with such nonsense.”
I mean, really, what’s next? Lil Wayne holding a press conference to confess that he has been using drugs? Tyra confessing that yes, she has had cosmetic surgery? Kanye writing a book in which he admits that he was dropped on the head as a child? Some things are so obvious that you don’t have to squander precious internet bytes on them. We have known that Mr Martin was that way all along.
I mean. He looked gay. I mean the way he looked was gay. I mean the way his eyes were when they gazed at the camera was gay.
Let me explain. Ricky Martin was an eye-rapist. You know those people who don’t just undress others with their eyes, but actually flip them over and spank them and smoke cigarettes after? That was Ricky Martin.
Now, very many musicians do that in their music videos, but R. Kelly, Snoop and Madonna didn’t do it in such a sinister way. And I realize I am only saying it was sinister because I am a guy and was sure that they were not looking at me.
But Ricky Martin? Ricky Martin made me uncomfortable. Not just because his eye-rape was so completely unabashed, proprietarial, certain and unrepentant.
Because I felt like I needed to take a long long shower during which I had to weep profusely each time I saw a picture of that sick predator. His magazine posters took away my innocence.
THAT’s how I knew that Martin was gay.
That and the song he sang with the drag-queen called Christina Aguilera when he was all over her.