Early morning meetings are one of the most lethal workplace hazards human office drones have to contend with in the ongoing process of slow death they call their “lives”.
We, the Condemmend of the New Vision had one this morning.
There was a very important issue to discuss. Very important. Very very important. Even more important than why the fuck we keep printing semicolons all over the freaking place with such shizophrenic disregard for all the laws of holy physics, and it was not about how to put the dismal company website finally out of the internet’s misery.
No. More important than that. It was about (redacted because I don’t think you have the clearance to read about the company’s issues).
As we stewed in that room, in which dozens of us were crammed and, may I add, crammed during a time when the building’s AC is not working and the issue of how to open the windows of this ultramodern office complex is not yet important enough to warrant a meeting of its own, we listened to an array of managers explain how the rest of us are really screwing the company over with our laziness and how if we don’t style up, God help the bosses they will (redacted) all our asses.
Of course they didn’t say it in those words. That would have been much briefer. And you know what “brief meeting” is? It’s an oxymoron, okay? Write that down.
One of the most impressive presentations was given by a manager we will call Sam. Sam had a lot to say about how our slack-jawed incompetence was costing the company a lot of money. Of course he didn’t use any of those words.
One of the words he DID use, as he explained the way the newspaper was made in the factory — or the way the newspaper WOULD be made if we weren’t such a bunch of useless monkeyfarts who never met a minute we couldn’t waste — one of the words he did use was “inserting.”
I found myself giggling like a P7 kid.
Cue that harp and violins and chimes music that movies use to indicate that an epiphany has been achieved.
They say every day is a learning experience, and that day I learnt a very important lesson. That lesson is that meetings can be fun if you decide to take every innocent thing the manager says and try to turn it into a filthy sexual innuendo. For example, Sam said the following:
- “From the inner downward parts”
- “So now we are entering where Lwanga comes in”
- ” We use the same machines”
I have not had so much fun in a meeting ever in my life.