Because I have no TV (ref Crime Rate) I cannot offer updates of Big Brother Africa III.
Not unless I make them up, as I shall now proceed to do.

Day I

The housemates gather for their first dinner inside the new Big Brother house. Everyone sits around a heavily laden table. Tawana, who is sitting at the head, raises her hands, palms upward, and says in a solemn tone, “Before we start, let us hold hands and bless the meal.”

There follow eight seconds of stunned silence.

Until she grins. “Just kidding, guys. Hah. Got you.”

A unanimous sigh followed by a round of laughter.


Uti belches loudly and drops his hand to his belt. After a single deft gesture he has his large belt clip open, his fly unzipped and his belly is able to escape from confinement. “That was good food,” he says.
Sheila repeats the first word she uttered when she entered the house. “Fuck!” she says.
Uti, speaking drowsily, replies, “You misunderstood the reason I undid my fly. It’s because I am full. Maybe later.”

Sheila is disgusted and walks away from the table to join a gaggle of other housemates who have drifted towards the fridge. She leaves Morris at the table. Morris is looking at Uti enviously. “How did you do that?”
“How I opened my fly so fast and with only one hand?”
“No, I mean how do you repulse women so fast? I am a pretty boy so I don’t know how to do that.”
He then adds, “Shwinggg!” and walks away, too.

Mimi’s head is literally inside the fridge. She is that eager for a drink. Takondwa is looking at her bum.


Munya and Lucille are having a conversation. “As I said in my intro montage,” Munya brags, “Zimbabweans are the ultimate hustlers.”
“Do you really think that is the best thing to say to the rest of Africa about Zimbabwe?”
“Why? What’s wrong?” he continues grinning because he really doesn’t know what is wrong.

12:00-next morning

Uti farts all night long.


Update: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a tall lanky middle-class blogger with a fancy phone? The last one! It is the last one! It is internet superhero FunnyMan (Becaue people have looked at him before and said, “Heh heh. You’re funny, man!”) He has the actual real recaps. This shit is so good, you guys should be paying for it. Send me airtime at least.
Take it away, son.