She’s Back

Because I have no TV (ref Crime Rate) I cannot offer updates of Big Brother Africa III.
Not unless I make them up, as I shall now proceed to do.

Day I

The housemates gather for their first dinner inside the new Big Brother house. Everyone sits around a heavily laden table. Tawana, who is sitting at the head, raises her hands, palms upward, and says in a solemn tone, “Before we start, let us hold hands and bless the meal.”

There follow eight seconds of stunned silence.

Until she grins. “Just kidding, guys. Hah. Got you.”

A unanimous sigh followed by a round of laughter.


Uti belches loudly and drops his hand to his belt. After a single deft gesture he has his large belt clip open, his fly unzipped and his belly is able to escape from confinement. “That was good food,” he says.
Sheila repeats the first word she uttered when she entered the house. “Fuck!” she says.
Uti, speaking drowsily, replies, “You misunderstood the reason I undid my fly. It’s because I am full. Maybe later.”

Sheila is disgusted and walks away from the table to join a gaggle of other housemates who have drifted towards the fridge. She leaves Morris at the table. Morris is looking at Uti enviously. “How did you do that?”
“How I opened my fly so fast and with only one hand?”
“No, I mean how do you repulse women so fast? I am a pretty boy so I don’t know how to do that.”
He then adds, “Shwinggg!” and walks away, too.

Mimi’s head is literally inside the fridge. She is that eager for a drink. Takondwa is looking at her bum.


Munya and Lucille are having a conversation. “As I said in my intro montage,” Munya brags, “Zimbabweans are the ultimate hustlers.”
“Do you really think that is the best thing to say to the rest of Africa about Zimbabwe?”
“Why? What’s wrong?” he continues grinning because he really doesn’t know what is wrong.

12:00-next morning

Uti farts all night long.


Update: Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it a tall lanky middle-class blogger with a fancy phone? The last one! It is the last one! It is internet superhero FunnyMan (Becaue people have looked at him before and said, “Heh heh. You’re funny, man!”) He has the actual real recaps. This shit is so good, you guys should be paying for it. Send me airtime at least.
Take it away, son.

24 thoughts on “She’s Back

  1. Munya is someone’s name? I am not sure if it’s in Luganda or lusoga, but whatevs, that name means Lizard.

  2. The guy is Munyo, pronounced Munya. A fart by any onther name…

    Hilarious! Munya and the fat Zambian – Taekwondo, I think – will be the first two off. Mark my words

  3. For someone who has no TV, u sure know these people. I’ve been trying to get their names but I’ve failed.

  4. Lemme look for this Sheila chic online. Ndaba u’re all on her case. Lemme see what I’m missing out on.

  5. naye baz, gwe all the time you are never looking above the waist? amma only at the high heels?
    @ the chanel:i think there is more to the guy with locks and a serious LLcooloo jay fetish. no offense but my gay-dar is on him….

  6. A strang madness came over me today and I was subjected to the mad rantings of the Big Brother house.

    I’ve scheduled an exorcisim.

  7. @ tumwi I’m good with exorcism…..
    call me n all your fears will be turned into real life horrors.
    @ miss Cheri,
    what does this Sheila woman look like? so we can judge baz’s taste accordingly?

  8. Pinky, she’s average…but mbu she had the je ne ses pas pou quoi…X factor.

    Like people who say angelina Jolie is hot, yet me, I don’t see it.

  9. I think I gat abrilliant Idea,(dis happens wen u interract wid the genius,not so?) how about starting Big Sister ,but am not sure if it shd be Uganda or Africa,coz am thinking of typing the manuals for their conversations,so dat no body says anything funny or wise,.

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