How To Maama Mmere Woteli

Good evening to my young viewers. And whattup fam to my old viewers. Today we are going to discuss How To Maama Mmere in Kampala.

The term Maama Mmere Woteli refers to a small restaurant in which serves what is variously known as local food, rocko food, real food, and, most pertinent in this economy, cheap food.

It is at Maama Mmere that you find such cuisine as matooke, kalo, sweet potato, chicken the thigh, chicken the back, flesh fish, rice peas, Irish peas, goat, hoof, and ghee nut.

Be careful when ordering Ghee Nut Sauce. It is not what it sounds like at first. 

Listen to me: Don’t order peanut sauce. Don’t even say the word peanut, because unlike Javas and Karveli staff, Maama Mmere waiters don’t care if you know that they don’t like you, so, unlike Javas and Karveli staff, they won’t pretend. They will correct you with contempt as convincingly disguised as Peter Sematimba’s “youthful” look.

“Peas we have. G-nuts we have,” is what the waiter will sneer underneath rolling eyes, and then he will wait for you to beela clear.

2.  Don’t rush the waiter. Even if you went in knowing exactly what you want to eat, don’t just blurt out, your order, mbu “Rice, irish, goat meat and veg” then turn back to your phone. Like, hello, can you please, please, for Kiwanuka’s sake be a little bit patient for like, once in your life and let this waiter do his or her job? Millennials!


First finish the Luganda greetings: “Gyebare.” “Mmmm. Namwe mugyebare.” “Mmmm.” “Mulina emmere?” 

Yes, when you go into this, a food-serving business, you have to ask if they have food to serve before you ask what food to be served. 

I don’t believe it is possible that there are no entrepreneurs running Wotelis in Kampala who are from other tribes. There must be Ugandans from all over our nation involved in the industry but, somehow, every single Maama Mmere waiter I have ever had the honour of, when asked what food there is, will only list the items that are considered food in Ganda culture. That is the dry hard stuff. Even Okirol did it.

You have to lodge an follow up inquiry to find out what accompanying moisture (sauce or gravy) will make the food digestible, then you will wait out the recitation of the list: Beef, goat meat, chicken, fresh fish, dry fish et cetera.

Now you can say riceirishgoatmeatveg as much as you want.

If you ask for chicken, just eat the thing and don’t make a fuss. We all know actual chicken don’t have legs that long but complaining isn’t going to rearrange the DNA. Kaloli is going to stay Kaloli so just shut up and eat. You will shit it out afterwards.

If you speak Luganda the way Veronica Akao speaks English, speak English.  Don’t assume that just because a person says Lumonde instead Rumontsay that they can’t speak English– Maama Mmere staff understand English, you racist. A person who says “lice river” is speaking proper English. They are just speaking it in one of various forms of propriety via which English is held around the world.

Maama Mmere knows English because they cater for a vastly international clientele. They are  always serving bazungu.

If you don’t do your maths properly, you assume bazungu eat at Caffesserie and never at Maama Mmere, but let’s apply some fiscal policy here. 

All races are the same, equal and alike. Regardless of our skin colour we all require nutrition and refreshment. This includes bazungu.

But they are very many bazungu in Kampala. They can’t all fit in Caffessarie, so where do the rest eat?

Woteli, of course.

Then factor in this observation: Bazungu in Kampala be  when they are broke af banange. Like as if LC staff. That’s how broke. They are ever eyvah sharing bodas and repeating the same kitenge jumpsuit for a whole week. 

You think those ones can Caffesserie like us?

No, they eat at eat at Maama Mmere. And until they learn Luganda, Maama Mmere’s staff has to accommodate various accents of English.

Probably why the waiter says Sveet potado and river. Because they learned English from Latvians, Americans and Chinese people.

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Oh, and Adventures of Chandler and Frasier coming soon…