Why Your Selfies Suck. Yet You Are Serving Sauce IRL

This one goes out to all my beautiful Ugandan peoples whose selfies don’t work. You know yourselves. You are beautiful when you take your selfies because all Ugandans are beautiful, but when the selfie is posted, it is not as beautiful, if at all. How come? You find some other chap out there nga eh! Or some other kyana out here nga ah! 

You could spend Kampala Parent’s school fees on the latest smartphone with the most megapixel, highest resolution, most Batman-WayneTech camera but every selfie you take, you will still come out looking like an amphibian. 

Caption: #GiftedByNature.

First Comment: What an interesting frog.

You will try to smize, but to the viewer of this selfie, you will not look sexy. You will look like a trauma victim in early stages of recovery. 

They will see terror in your eyes; the left one blazing out more fear than the right one because it is bigger and more sinisterly skewed. It looks as if the burdens of your soul lean more heavily to the left, as if that is the eye that sees your nightmares first.

Meanwhile, the left eye looks dead, as if it is going to fall off.

And then your forehead: What the igneous sedimentary rock formation is this? Why do pimples erupt every time you open instagram? When did your skin become allergic to social media? 

Why is it that every time you try to slay, you end up looking like a zombie? Walking Dead Ting Dis? As if you are the one who was slain?

It is because with photography, as with cooking, sports and oral sex, it’s not the specs of the equipment. It is the skill of the person wielding the tools.

It’s the artist, not the paint. 

That is why there are niggas with macbook pros who still can’t touch my steez and yet I write with a pencil in a picfare notebook. It is the artist, my friends, not the tools.

I don’t come here to just rant. This is a solution-oriented blog so I am going to give you answers. 

Be like Lydia Jazmine and Irene Ntale. If you follow them on instagram, which I do, you will learn the secret to success.

I follow Ntale because I am huge fan. I love her music, I love her singing, and it warms my heart to see her smiling and being happy– it gives me hope that talented Ugandans need not be tortured, unfulfilled geniuses. Even though the rest are trapped in Kyanja typing blogs instead of lounging in Johannesburg typing novels, others get to go to Dubai and ride camels happily, joyfully, and photogenically. Thank you, Ntale. You represent us all.

Lydia Jazmine I follow because she helps me focus my depression on reminding me how sexy the women I will never date again are, which is healthier than letting me agonise about the rate at which Uganda is deteriorating. And how the economy is going to collapse as soon as the rule of law implodes. And how we are all going to end up starving in refugee camps. And how People Power refugees form a mafia and end up running the camp I’m which they will make bitches out of us NRM sympathisers. Honestly, it’s safer to be miserable about not dating Lydia Jazime than all that other stuff.

Jazmine and Ntale never take selfies anyhowly. They have talented youth employed to shoot them.

So this is how we shall fight youth unemployment and vagrancy. Go and start an Instagram photography service. There, I have fought unemployment. What’s next?

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