Muganzi Vincent B. Food Tech (Mature Entry) delivers his speech at the opening of campaigns for Makerere University Guild Presidency. He is expected to expound on his slogan “A Candidate With a Difference”.
Cough. Hem. Mic check, mic check. Hem. Good afternoon fellow students.
You have gathered here to hear the assembled candidates give their speeches asking you to support their bids for guild president. They are going to offer promises and slogans and smoke and shadows.
I’m not them.
I am a candidate with a difference. I am not interested in becoming your guild president. I stand before you today to announce my candidature for the post of Makerere University Guild Tyrant.
I do not seek to be elected representative of the people’s power. I seek to be supreme overlord of all you pawns.
The cape and British accent should have been your first hint.
There are various reasons why, instead of voting for these charlatans around me, you should instead surrender to me and call me your lord and master.
The first is that, well, you are Makerere university students. Time has shown over and over again that MUK students’ body simply does not have the intellectual discipline or the moral wherewithal to manage your own political affairs in a smooth and sane fashion. You are always rioting and cheating in your exams and getting unplanned pregnancies. You create nothing but reckless mayhem. That is why you need me. If you turn to page 12 of your brochures, where it gives a list of my aliases, you will see that I am Muganzi The Magnificent, Master Of Mayhem.
Serve me, Makerere, let me be your evil overlord and I shall lead you from reckless mayhem to proper, professionally-managed, efficient mayhem.
Cos that’s my thing.
That is not, however, the only reason I call upon you to cower at my feet in submission. There is another reason which shall be demonstrated by my assistant Igor.
Igor? Igor? Igor was supposed to be here standing next to this large object currently covered under a tarpaulin. Well, I can unveil it myself.
Behold: The DOOMSDAY DESTRUCTO-RAY MACHINE! Surrender or be turned to dust!
(Postscript. You won’t believe how old this post is.)