A little girl gazes with eyes full of admiration at her mother’s long flowing tresses and asks, “Mummy, how do you get such lovely hair?”

“From India,” the woman replies, because you must never lie to children.

If you have a seque lying around nearby, please insert it here to lead from that to the next paragraph.

International Consumer Rights Protection agencies have obtained satellite photos of stockpiles of black dye and shaving cream hidden in granaries and sheds in several rural Indian villages. A link is suspected between these stockpiles and the increasing number of bald dogs that have been spotted roaming around said villages.

The agencies are looking with concern at the correlation between the short bristles of a dog’s fur and the long strands usually packaged as human hairpieces from India and are trying to find a means of transforming one to the other. Once they do, they will release a full report.

This dog is named Lucille Bald. I'm not lying