We must warn you: He is not very bright. In fact why lie. He’s a footballer. He’s thick.

Me am Christiano Ronaldo and am footballer. Footballer they kick ball. Me am footballer I kick ball good. Others they kick ball but they do not kick ball good like me. Me I kick ball best!  Even akse Rooney. Hah. I kick ball better than Rooney! Rooney him old wanker. Only know how to play balls not kick ball good.
When go to play a play football. Football is when many people they come on pitch and kick ball. One kick ball and ball go. Sometimes go to another one. Sometimes to another one. Others they are there try to get ball on their legs but they are other team and me I don’t want. So kick nicely and ball go to my team not to theirs.
At end someone kick ball at me and me I kick good and ball go in net and goal. Everyone happy. Whole stadium happy. Whole TV happy. Even in Africa people watch Christiano Ronaldo goal even though them live in trees and wear mongoose skins not trousers! Lol. Me I want say hi to all my African fans and I love them. Message is stop practicing cannibalism.
So me kick many many goals and whole world happy. Women like me. Not understand soccer because man’s brain like Christiano Ronaldo’s brain always bigger and smarter than all woman. True. Once I talk to Dr Condoleeza Rice at charity dinner. She say not able understand single thing I say even when I talk loud and slow. Because she woman.
So me Christiano Ronaldo and hope you support all teams me play for. Fuck all teams me play against.