Ricky Martin began the week by announcing to the world that that he was a homosexual. To which the more astute members of the world responded by saying, “Stupid. Next time don’t waste our time with such nonsense.”
I mean, really, what’s next? Lil Wayne holding a press conference to confess that he has been using drugs? Tyra confessing that yes, she has had cosmetic surgery? Kanye writing a book in which he admits that he was dropped on the head as a child? Some things are so obvious that you don’t have to squander precious internet bytes on them. We have known that Mr Martin was that way all along.
I mean. He looked gay. I mean the way he looked was gay. I mean the way his eyes were when they gazed at the camera was gay.
Let me explain. Ricky Martin was an eye-rapist. You know those people who don’t just undress others with their eyes, but actually flip them over and spank them and smoke cigarettes after? That was Ricky Martin.
Now, very many musicians do that in their music videos, but R. Kelly, Snoop and Madonna didn’t do it in such a sinister way. And I realize I am only saying it was sinister because I am a guy and was sure that they were not looking at me.
But Ricky Martin? Ricky Martin made me uncomfortable. Not just because his eye-rape was so completely unabashed, proprietarial, certain and unrepentant.
Because I felt like I needed to take a long long shower during which I had to weep profusely each time I saw a picture of that sick predator. His magazine posters took away my innocence.
THAT’s how I knew that Martin was gay.
That and the song he sang with the drag-queen called Christina Aguilera when he was all over her.