You are not in the closet if it’s just a door and no walls

Ricky Martin began the week by announcing to the world that that he was a homosexual. To which the more astute members of the world responded by saying, “Stupid. Next time don’t waste our time with such nonsense.”

I mean, really, what’s next? Lil Wayne holding a press conference to confess that he has been using drugs? Tyra confessing that yes, she has had cosmetic surgery? Kanye writing a book in which he admits that he was dropped on the head as a child? Some things are so obvious that you don’t have to squander precious internet bytes on them. We have known that Mr Martin was that way all along.

I mean. He looked gay. I mean the way he looked was gay. I mean the way his eyes were when they gazed at the camera was gay.

Let me explain. Ricky Martin was an eye-rapist. You know those people who don’t just undress others with their eyes, but actually flip them over and spank them and smoke cigarettes after? That was Ricky Martin.

Now, very many musicians do that in their music videos, but R. Kelly, Snoop and Madonna didn’t do it in such a sinister way. And I realize I am only saying it was sinister because I am a guy and was sure that they were not looking at me.

But Ricky Martin? Ricky Martin made me uncomfortable. Not just because his eye-rape was so completely unabashed, proprietarial, certain and unrepentant.

Because I felt like I needed to take a long long shower during which I had to weep profusely each time I saw a picture of that sick predator. His magazine posters took away my innocence.

THAT’s how I knew that Martin was gay.

That and the song he sang with the drag-queen called Christina Aguilera when he was all over her.

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24 Comments

  1. They can’t be raping you with their eyes unless they are looking at you. So first you imagine that Ricky Martin is looking at you, then you take offense to the way he is looking at you, then you deduce from that that he is both gay and a sick predator.

    You understand that the predicates of your deduction are both about you and not Ricky Martin, don’t you? And that the first part is completely fanciful? (How do you know he doesn’t have a harmless fetish for camera lenses?)

    How about this syllogism:
    a) Ricky Martin is gay, so he looks at all men (including me, though we have never met) the way I look at particularly attractive women when I’m a little drunk.
    b) I know how what I’m thinking when I look at women like that.
    c) I take offense! That’s appalling! No man should ever be looked at like that. Ricky Martin is a sick predator.

  2. I think what you mean, Baz, is that you found Ricky Martin uncomfortably attractive, sexy, beautiful, alluring … to a level where you questioned your sexuality. And that’s okay … Ricky Martin is that pretty.

  3. Baz, maybe the way u looked at him and his posters is telling.

    But Lol, Ricky Martin was so gay in Lavida Loca, no straight man can shake his booty like he did. That is when my heart broke because dude could have been responsible for my children.

    Also, Tyra never, NEVER, and one more time, NEVER had surgery. I can tell surgically enhanced boobs and hers are not! Hers are jiggly and wobbly.

  4. I suppose he needed a publicity stunt; it has been ages since la vida loca. Otherwise, this ‘coming out’ was a truly pointless exercise. About as pointless as me holding a press conference to say I have an imposing phat posterior.

  5. @Afrogay, but couldn’t he at least buy me dinner first?

    @Allison, bambi, please don’t overthink it. It’s just a joke at a celebrity’s expense. Nothing more.

    Okay. Maybe using the words “sick predator” in a post about a gay man might lead some prejudiced people to make the automatic assumption that what is being said is that all gay people are like that, so maybe I should delete them.

  6. There’s that one music video, he’s wearing a lil sum sum lying on the beach next to a guy in a matching lil sum sum….thats when i knew!

  7. Careful, Baz. You know how misery loves company? People who go that way are going to be saying that they can tell you are gay from your posts. That you rape them with your words (what delicious rape!) You can see AfroGay already insinuating

  8. Some of you obviously don’t know any gay people.

    It is VERY important that gay celebrities come out, even if a lot of people think they are gay.

  9. I’ve never laughed so hard… Especially at Snoop, R. Kelly and Madonna. Neat. Really neat.

  10. Cheri Darling, I beg to differ on the Tyra Banks front. I know silicone cans when I see them. She mos def has some. Though I would take a boob job from her any day over T-Bone Steak.

    That said, I can’t blame Mr Martin for acknowledging that he loves digging for brownies. Dude is way too feminine to be a ruffneck. No fishsticks.

    Like the blogger noted above, even a straight fella might get a little… uh, charmed by a Ricky. No Homo. Sort of like Jamie Foxx admitted a while back almost walking down teh ghey lane when he looked into Prince’s marbles. Nullus.

  11. That public figures are coming out sets the precedent for the rest to do so, in droves! To dampen the looming state-of-things that those poor public sods cannot live a normal gay lifestyle…

  12. Who is Ricky Martin? oh the the fag, we had even forgotten he exists. His manager is good.

  13. Now now Alison, here in the land of Mao and Besigye, we appreciate that Baz has not communicated unless he has satirized and mocked and indeed exaggerated a little. We call it humor. Do not take yourself seriously!

  14. I’m with TheStreetsider, long live phat imposing posteriors – s’long as they’re on biologically female individuals.

    So Ricky is gay, what else is new?

  15. This made ma day, week, month and probably year too…
    as 4 the comments,this was meant to be funny,LAUGH n quit the critical analysis!!!

  16. Baz u just make my days (sundays and now this).

    PS for those “over analytical” people, it’s just humour, don’t spoil it with your comments.
    I agree, if it looked like he was raping u with his eyes he probably was,!! LOL

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