In the latest song by the Grammy award-winning singer-songwriter Alicia Keys (a.k.a. Praise Birungi Akiiki, if you prefer to use her birth name and not her better-known stage pseudonym) she appears to be suggesting that listeners “try sleeping with a broken heart.”
This should not be taken at face value. Because she is saying it Ironically.
Ironically is something some Grammy Award-winning songwriters do where, to emphasise a point they make it appear as if they are advocating for the opposite. Common examples are Eminem, who really loves his mummy vewy vewy much, and Jay-Z, who finds New York crowded, noisy and full of rude people.
What Akiiki actually means, therefore, is that it is very difficult to sleep with a broken heart. But did you know that a broken heart is not the only thing that impedes easy slumber?
We are going to count down the top five things that you should “try sleeping with”.
(Don’t) try sleeping with Cats.
Cats are nocturnal animals with claws and teeth and are carnivorous. A lot of people forget, because they are so cute as kittens, that cats are genetically designed, therefore, to eat you at night.
“But Baz,” you say in protest, “I have known many people who have slept with cats and survived uneaten!”
If you think this way, I urge you to examine those people for signs, at least, of licking. I will wager that you will find traces of cat saliva on their skins, left behind from when the cat checked for the taste, found that the Samona jelly on the skin was too thick and yucky, and spared the life of the woman or man.
(Don’t) Try sleeping with Sambuka.
Sambuka is a coffee liqueur which world-renown social Commentator Katt Williams described as not sounding like “no shit no nigga should be drinking”. This is because, according to Williams’ observation, the liquor in it fucks you up but you find that you cannot pass out so you just pinball through the night being a nuisance to everyone else.
(Don’t) Try sleeping with a kasiki in the neighbourhood.
When two people meet and fall in love and decide to spend the rest of their lives together, one of the things they do is hold a noisy party that lasts all night and prevents the sleep of all the residents of their neighbourhood. Neighbourhood kasikis tend to last noisily up to around four in the morning, and are one of the reasons why divorce rates are so high in urban areas. People who can’t sleep have to come up with something to do in those long hours and concocting curses leveled at your upcoming marriage is one of the options.
(Don’t) try sleeping with another man’s wife.
I don’t need to explain this. Unless you are compelled to do this by the curse that befell the marriage on the night of the kasiki, you should respect the sanctity of matrimony and sleep with another man’s housegirl, boss, schoolteacher or lawyer instead.