Verbatim Vs Verbatim In The Aftermath

In which our  hero is visited by our villain one afternoon.

  • Baz…
  • Yes, Lizzie.
  • Baz…
  • Yes?
  • Baz?
  • What do you want?
  • It’s 3:00pm. Put on a pair of fucking sunglasses. Hah hah! But you Ka-man, your ki-blog post about R.Kelly was so funny. I read it and I laughed so hard I shook all the ribs in my little torso.
  • ….
  • Well, say something. Don’t be rude. When someone compliments your work, you should reply in some way or the other. I recommend replying bashfully in my case. You know I am a very hard woman to impress, so if I say that I liked something you wrote you should be very humbled.
  • The thing that tied my tongue was not a lack of responses to comments about my work. It was the spectacle of you, a creature so young and small that you don’t even remember hotmail, let alone a world before gmail, suddenly spewing such dirty words.
  • What language? What dirty words? R.Kelly? Don’t be so judgemental. It’s the man who is obscene, Baz, not his name.
  • How do you even know who R.Kelly is? Did one of the Teletubbies go solo and feature on a song with him in a bid to capture the urban audience?
  • The teletubbies are not singers, Baz. That shows how little you know about leading world entertainers.
  • They make strange sounds that make no sense to me but nevertheless seem to thrill other people to no end. When I watch kids rise to heights of glee watching Teletubbies, I imagine that must be how people who hate rap feel when they see me listening to a Public Enemy tape.
  • What’s Public Enemy?
  • A rap group.
  • And what’s a tape?
  • A tape is what they put music on before CDs.
  • What’s …
  • Don’t tell me you want to ask what CDs are. You cannot possibly…
  • What’s CDs?
  • Okay. It’s what they put music on before iPods.
  • So you would download your music onto a CD and before that you would download it onto something called a tape?
  • No, Fetus. Oh my exasperated gosh. You know what? In fact, yes. That’s exactly what we used to do. Let’s leave it at that. We downloaded our music onto a tape from the internet of 1990. They had not invented colour screens for computers yet, so we surfed in black and white and we used a real mouse which had to be trained and fed because they had not yet invented a mechanical mouse. You would point at the place you wanted to click with your finger, then the mouse would enter the computer through a hole in the side and go to the part inside the machine to switch on whatever you wanted.
  • By the way, Baz, and tell me the truth…
  • First get off my lap. You don’t know me like that.
  • Like what aate you man?
  • Like someone I don’t despise.
  • You looooove me, Old Man, and the sooner you admit it the better for your blood pressure. Now, tell me the truth, did you also enrol for expensive training courses to learn how to use Windows? I hear in those days people were taken to the cleaners, just to learn Windows.
  • Me? Please. I never went for computer classes…
  • You just told me that you thought the mouse was a live animal. But I can understand why you would be so callow. You were young back then. Baz, I just came to say hi and to deliver a present.
  • I thought you just came by to mock and abuse me. I don’t want your silly present. What can you possibly give me but headaches and sharp stabbing jolts of pain in my neck?
  • I can give you this specially limewired-for-you MP3 of Summer Bunnies by R.Kelly.
  • You know I love you don’t you Lizzie?


  1. “Did one of the Teletubbies go solo and feature on a song with him in a bid to capture the urban audience?”

    I got stuck on this sentence. I can’t move on! HA HA HAA!!

    (And who’s going to tell Bee that you weren’t kidding about the computer screens?)

  2. Lol @ “First get off my lap. You don’t know me like that.” Very funny.

    Lol @ Erique too…ahahahahah…

    KC, been a while.

    Baz, thanks for bringing back Lizzie. I wish she’d met Kells that time when he crashed at yours.

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