How To Succeed in The Modern Office

Did you suddenly find out that you have a job placement in the same office building as your man (also known as boobooschweetimunch)? Really? Are you concerned about whether the proximity will put a strain on your relationship? No? That doesn’t bother you because neither of you is irritating so you don’t see why more of each other’s company should be a problem? What you are worried about is all the other heffers in the office he works at? I can help. Presenting: How to survive working in the same office with your man. This is good advice.

I promise that it will work. If you follow these few steps your relationship will not only survive, it will become strong, it will be come mighty and all who behold it shall be in awe.

1.

Watch your diet. Eat a lot of vegetables and fruits and drink a lot of water and practice yoga. You need a strong constitution and rock-solid focus. Also, drink vodka. You also need the balls to do a lot of stupid shit and the only way one can get those kinds of balls is in vodka.

Unless you are a man. Some men are born with them inside their stomachs.

2.

Don’t go to work in casual clothes. Hell no. This is not that kind of operation. Combat gear is what you need. Stern, severe corporate suits, madam! Attenshun! Do you have perfect 20-20 eyesight? I hope not. Because we are going to need you to wear glasses like those of Miss Courtney in Mind Your Language. Nah, don’t worry about this look compromising your natural innate gorgeousness. It won’t.

It’s actually a very sexy look. Let me make sure my google safesearch is on before I find an illustration.

The plan is that Dude will spend the whole day smitten, dreaming about getting you some place where you two can remove the hair bun and um… I don’t know. Those things.

But all those heffers in the office will be deathly scared of you.

3.

Some of the more weakminded among them might think you are a cyborg or an alien or an secret member of that assassin group in the movie Wanted. Let them think that by occasionally acting like it. Keep a can of motor oil on your desk. Learn to call people “puny earthlings” and say things like, “Back on my planet—I mean back in my village…”

This is called a Sustained Campaign of Psychological Bitchslapping. It is one where you don’t actually do any violence, but you keep your victims oppressed with the constant threat of violence.

4.

But it is not enough. As any tyrant will tell you, mere threats are not enough.

So, the final act in this course module is this. Find the secretary with the finest legs, shank her in the parking lot and let that serve as a lesson. No, don’t wait for her to make a move on your man. Do it on the first day.

That is my advice.

You are all welcome.