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Jamaican ragamuffin-dancehall star Beenie Man is scheduled to perform in Kampala this weekend. The man who brought you such hits as Who Am I, King of The Dancehall and Feel It Boy is here at the behest of a local beverage company and is going to provide entertainment as they crown (excuse me) an ongoing promotions drive (excuse me again).
For the benefit of my friends, such as Kenyans and Rwandans, whose national residences locate them at a disadvantage when it comes to clicking my puns, one of the two major soda companies in Uganda, and probably the one that invited Beenie Man, is called Crown Beverages and the promotions project was about giving away free cars. Now that I have explained it, you too, can lol along.
No, seriously, lol. I didn’t type all that just so you can give me that blank look.
Well, kale. Be like that. I won’t even explain what “kale” means, then.
(By the way, I forgot to translate the term “quenzing” the other day. I am waiting for Miss Cheri to reply to my email. She is the one who teaches me kiyaye language. I will post her definition here as soon as I get it.)
Beenie Man is here to perform at the Chamuka Keys Contest finale—which we expect to be a success, unlike his recent New Zealand booking, that is. The Gals Dem Suga, as he calls himself frequently, was slated to perform at a bash in NZ but was unfortunately dropped from the bill after LGBT groups (That’s homosexual rights pressure groups, by the way) noticed that he was a Jamaican dancehall artiste. They have a tendency towards scathingly homophobic lyrics—often calling for the lynching of homosexual men. “Bun down chichiman” is one of the many ways they are known to phrase this sentiment.
Beenie is not the first Jamaican dancehall star to be picketed out of a gig for his history of avowed homophobia before, by the way. The Gay rights dudes have got … and … before.
  • If you sing homophobically, you won’t sing in New Zealand, in short. Not if they can help it.
  • LGBT Groups: No!
  • But wait a minute. Are you saying you guys have to censor and approve every singer who performs in the country? Are you saying that only the people who support gay rights should be allowed to express themselves? Don’t you think that kind of contradicts the ideals of freedom and tolerance that you should be in full support of as civil rights advocates? Homophobes have as much of a right to express themselves as you guys do, after all.
  • LGBT Groups: NO!
  • Look, let’s be mature about this. He’s not Obama. He’s just Beenie Man. Really, so what if he doesn’t like…
  • LGBT Groups: NO!
  • Come on, do you think that just because Beenie Man isn’t going to perform at that gig that there will be no homophobia there? I can guarantee you that a lot of the dudes in the audience are going to be homophobic anyway. I mean homophobia is still pretty common…
  • LGBT Groups: NO!
  • And it’s a big festival with different musicians. Have you vetted the others to see what their stand on gay rights is? How do you know wakina Dizzy Rascal or Bjork don’t be like, “Fuck these faggot ass bitches!” in their trailers when their toast is burnt or their Mochas are lukewarm?
  • LGBT Groups: NO! That guy dissed us and so we are not going to allow him to make money in New Zealand. NO!
  • So Beenie has no choice but to cross NZ off his flight plan and come to dusty/muddy third world Kampala instead.
Meanwhile, R. Kelly urinates on heterosexuals and what do we do? We just give him more money and continue to dance and sing and enjoy his songs.
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