I am no expert academic or scholar of fine art, but I think that only makes me even more qualified to tell you about this hideous piece of crap that hangs in the boardroom of the noble corporation for which I work.
It is large and colourful and it occupies a prominent position on the wall behind the conference table where you would think a pleasant decorative item would be more appropriately located. Instead, however, we have this, a thoroughly repugnant painting, as repulsive as it is bewildering.
Now, abstract art does not fool anyone except art scholars and the artists themselves. The rest of us know that it is bullshit. The rest of us recognize that there is a very scanty difference between the painting described as “a vivid exposition of bold strokes and vital figures posed in provocative postures which allude to violent memories while simultaneously evoking spirits of blah blah” and a skidmark in your drawers.
So we really don’t expect a lot of sense from these things and can ignore them. They only really offend us when we hear of how much they cost, then they get really sickening. To think that millions were paid for this spastic, jerking about completely randomly all over canvas throwing colours up and down with no sense or reason? That chafes at the sensitive man’s sense of rightness.
But this painting? This painting is so horrible that if I were to find out what it costs it would not just hurt my spirit, it would stab hard into my soul and drain out all my faith and from that day on I will be dead inside, just a walking shell as incapable of love as of hate. Just an empty shell.
Here is the painting.
I mean, what the fuck, right?
It makes no sense. Okay, when I grab at the corners of my head and squeeze hard and try try try to find some way of figuring out what is going on, the most I can come up with is that somebody dropped a bitano coin and everyone is trying to find it but they can’t because the floor is covered in spaghetti.
But that is not the only reason they can’t. Apparently before the coin was dropped, somebody else, probably Dr Doom, came along with a transmogrifier ray that changes human flesh into plasticene and now the people, because they have no muscles, can no longer effect real human postures. They just flail and flap around unnaturally, stretching and bending and curving like bits of hollow tubing. The guy on the left in yellow looks like he was poised to spank the ass of the woman in blue before she changed and now the only reason we can’t see the expression of shock and disappointment that has taken over his face is that the face itself has been transmogrified into a raisin.
I don’t need to go into further detail. You get the point. I think this painting is stupid.
I’m not one of those people who dismiss everything they don’t understand as stupid. Usually, I can appreaciate that just because I don’t get the joke, that doesn’t mean the joke is not funny. Just because I don’t get the point that doesn’t mean no point exists. But usually, I need to at least see that some effort went into creating the thing I don’t understand. Mozart and Beethoven have as much impact on me as windy rain, but I can appreciate that you have to be pretty clever to be able to make this music that bores me so much.
However, look at this shit. The guy can’t even draw. The legs on that guy look like ears. What about.