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I am masquerading at Garden City that I hear “in the field gathering information”. Lol.

I am drinking a cappuccino, interestingly enough. An odd choice on such a hot occasion, but I was falling slowly and surely asleep and I needed to banish the encroaching temptation to just jump back into the car and drive back to Kyaliwajjala where I have a bed.

When the waitress was preparing it, I was joined at my table by AutoPaul, a friend who is on his way to London. He sat down and we discussed whether I really wanted to ask him to bring back a Nokia 5530, or Baby Zu or Sinayo. That is the stripped-down nothing-but-the-basics version of the famous Zuena, or Nokia 5800 and it just went on sale in the United Kingdom. It’s  more attractive than it’s ancestor in two ways. One is that it is cheaper by far. A paltry 500,000 shillings. Incidentally, that is the same amount of money I paid for my very first mobile telephone back in the days. Ivan was still a tadpole back then but me I was already connected. You may be cooler now, but I was cooler first.

GA628

This is Eric, the iPhone of those days

The second thing that makes the Baby Zu to the Zuena as a whole Rihanna to a mere Beyonce is the fact that it includes technology that traps Wifi waves from the ether and gathers them into its memory card, so I don’t need to carry my faithful and much-loved but, let’s face it, heavy as fuck laptop with me to Chomas or to Good African every time I need to download a new podcast or mixtape. I can just  whip out my phone when I find myself in an area where these wifi waves reside and command it to find the podcasts or the zshare mixtapes.

That is Baby Zu in two colours

That is Baby Zu in two colours

I can even get it to call up blogs, twitter, facebook and IM in a way that is superior to the methods my current phone uses and thus can I stay in touch using Yahoo Messenger with friends in outside countries. Like Cheri, for example (There has never been a more boldfaced hint in the history of wordpress, Chan.)

Thie proggie is slightly problematic, though, for those who didn’t bother to click the link, I don’t want to go for it until I have lusted after it with an energy that is practically perverse. As it is, right now I’m just checking her out across the room and thinking she’s kind of fly.

One of the rules of Thingism, the life philosophy that seeks fulfilment through the accumulation of material goods, is that you can’t just want it: you have to bleed for it. That is the only way you will know satisfaction from having it. If you have never heard of Thingism (or the Pursuit of Shit) here it is in a nutshell:

Thingism (Or Shitism):

Are you unhappy? Unfulfilled? Do you feel like your life is a meaningless waste?

Do you feel overwhelmed by the futility of it all?

Then you need to go out and get some shit (Material things).

Get new shit. Get fancy shit. Get expensive shit.

Get trendy shit. Get highly-advertised, designer-labelled shit.

That is what you need to give your life the illusion of meaning and purpose.

The more shit you get the more shit you crave in a never-ending-cycle of greed and lust!

You will never feel lonely again, once you start running after shit.

Get you some shit.

Because getting Shit. It’s the meaning of life.

You want to object and bring up the old retort about the old man who spent his life gathering riches but never found what he was really looking for and died miserable and alone. That is because what he wanted was love. Instead of buying love, he went out to buy Bentleys. Misguided hoarding is not Thingism.

For example, if what you really want is a reason to value yourself as a human being, and you go out to buy House of Dereon garments in the hope that this will give you what you inwardly desire, you are wasting your money and time.

Because there is NO REASON to value yourself as a human being in the first place. We are all worthless. Every single one of us is a pointless piece of crap crawling from fear to shame to regret, and the only reason we don’t just stop moving once and for all and just die on the spot is that, in addition to those, we also have greed and envy and vanity, the only things that motivate us to get out of bed in the first place.

And to gain true satisfaction, these are the urges you should feed. To feel true fulfilment, you need to feed your greed, and your lust and your vanity. You won’t get happiness, but happiness is like life itself. Life is the absence, nay, the postponement of death.  To live is to delay your demise for just another day.  And happiness, similarly, is merely a state of temporary distraction from the natural state of hopelessness that is the lot of every man, woman and child.

man, what was in that cappuccino?

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