Ask Vanilla

Check out the hook while the deejay revolves it
Check out the hook while the deejay revolves it

“If it was a problem,” balloon-panted rapper Vanilla Ice said in his magnum opus, 1991’s Ice Ice Baby, “Yo! I’ll solve it.”

He is here today to make good on that promise. Here to answer your relationship and health and family problems, is our new Agony Aunt, Vanilla Ice. Kick it one time, boy.


Yo! Vanilla,

I have been dating a wonderful guy for the past few weeks. He is a celebrity who is well known in town. I really like him and would like this relationship to last, but the problem is his female fans. He gets a lot of attention from young girls who are attracted to him because of his fame and it makes me feel a bit insecure. Of course he has to be friendly to them, but I can’t help worrying that things will go too far. So I guess what I want to know is, where do they sell acid?


Yo, Benadette,

You need to talk about your feelings with your boyfriend. Make sure he understands your insecurities and how you feel. Acid is not the answer. Communication is. Ask him to make sure that he makes it clear to everybody that he is unavailable and that, furthermore, those heifers need to get their raggedy-weave asses and step the fuck off. Word.


Yo! Vanilla,
My mother-in-law came to visit us from the village about two months ago. The trouble is that she has never left. I don’t want to seem rude and inhospitable, but how do I get this woman out of my house?


Yo Margaret,

Let her catch you having sex doggystyle in the kitchen. That got MY in-laws the hell out of my house super fast. Even my wife left. Which was great because now the house is empty and when I want to have more sex with the maid, no one will interrupt us.


Yo! Vanilla,
I have this strange oily discharge…

Eugh! Next question.


Yo! Vanilla,
My man and I have been together for about four months now, but I am worried. All he seems to beinterested in is having sex. What should I do?




Dear Vanilla,

That’s Yo! Vanilla.

Sorry. Yo! Vanilla, I haven’t had my period in two months. I think he left something inside me that blocked it.

Yo, P.N.!

Defilement is a terrible, terrible thing.


Yo! Vanilla,
I have a problem with people touching me. I get really crept out whenever anyone makes any kind of physical contact. It makes me uncomfortable just having people stand close to me. They don’t even have to be strangers, they can be family or friends, I just get nervous and break out in a sweat when people come too close and my skin crawls whenever someone touches it. Am I a freak?



I assume that is a rhetorical question.



  1. now that we’re all growd up and you seem to remember the real lyrics, did that guy really say “collaborate and listen”? I heard this song way back when everything was about improvising.

  2. yo vanilla
    are you refusing to answer the oily discharge question coz it hits home n u failed to get a cure yourslf???
    wait, dont ans that! it is rhetoric!!!!!
    BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ, ur the next best after…..

  3. @phantom maybe he said take a break and listen, dunno but it sounds more appropriate.

    now lemme go and formulate an agony aunt question for ice baby yo!

  4. I assume he stacatto – raps out the answers. As in “let her catch you – having sex doggy style in the kitchen” to the beat of Ice Ice Baby

  5. Vanilla is a psychopath.

    I wonder what Lizzie would say if she was asked the same questions?

  6. Yo! Vanilla,

    I sometimes write for this national publication that has not yet paid me and I ‘kubanja’ them a month and a half’s worth of pay. Seriously, where do they sell acid? No talking me out of it Mr. Vanilla!


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