“If it was a problem,” balloon-panted rapper Vanilla Ice said in his magnum opus, 1991’s Ice Ice Baby, “Yo! I’ll solve it.”
He is here today to make good on that promise. Here to answer your relationship and health and family problems, is our new Agony Aunt, Vanilla Ice. Kick it one time, boy.
I have been dating a wonderful guy for the past few weeks. He is a celebrity who is well known in town. I really like him and would like this relationship to last, but the problem is his female fans. He gets a lot of attention from young girls who are attracted to him because of his fame and it makes me feel a bit insecure. Of course he has to be friendly to them, but I can’t help worrying that things will go too far. So I guess what I want to know is, where do they sell acid?
You need to talk about your feelings with your boyfriend. Make sure he understands your insecurities and how you feel. Acid is not the answer. Communication is. Ask him to make sure that he makes it clear to everybody that he is unavailable and that, furthermore, those heifers need to get their raggedy-weave asses and step the fuck off. Word.
My mother-in-law came to visit us from the village about two months ago. The trouble is that she has never left. I don’t want to seem rude and inhospitable, but how do I get this woman out of my house?
Let her catch you having sex doggystyle in the kitchen. That got MY in-laws the hell out of my house super fast. Even my wife left. Which was great because now the house is empty and when I want to have more sex with the maid, no one will interrupt us.
I have this strange oily discharge…
Eugh! Next question.
My man and I have been together for about four months now, but I am worried. All he seems to beinterested in is having sex. What should I do?
That’s Yo! Vanilla.
Sorry. Yo! Vanilla, I haven’t had my period in two months. I think he left something inside me that blocked it.
Defilement is a terrible, terrible thing.
I have a problem with people touching me. I get really crept out whenever anyone makes any kind of physical contact. It makes me uncomfortable just having people stand close to me. They don’t even have to be strangers, they can be family or friends, I just get nervous and break out in a sweat when people come too close and my skin crawls whenever someone touches it. Am I a freak?
I assume that is a rhetorical question.