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I went to Simba Telecom at Lugogo Mall on Friday to purchase a bluetooth adapter. That is a little gizmo that would perform two life-saving tasks at a go: The first would be to enable  my shitty bomboclart virtually useless Nokia 5000 to communicate with my computer and be less useless in the process. The second would be saving me the bother of buying a new phone. 

Those are not actually two tasks, come to think of it; it is one task in parts. Like a burger. 

In the shop the tall, helpful Indian man with the greying temples stretched his long arm out towards a display case and extracted a box. The packaging said it contained a Linksys Wireless-G USB Adapter. The tall helpful man said it was what I was looking for.

One of them lied. And it was not the packaging. I discovered later that evening when I tried to use the Linksys Wireless-G USB Adapter that it had no idea where my phone was. 

Does everyone in the class know what bluetooth, is by the way? I may be getting ahead of you. I do that sometimes. Hazzard of intelligence. 

Let me explain, just in case you are not with me. 

You see sometimes a phone has pictures on it. Pictures taken with the phone camera. The user of this phone may want to post these pictures on the internet, perhaps to his blog. Usually the user sticks one end of a wire into his phone and then inserts the other end into his computer and then shakes the phone a little bit. The pictures then slide down the wire (which is called a USB connector cable) and soon land inside the computer.

But if he has a bastard crap piece of nonsense phone like the Nokia 5000, he cannot use any wire at all. The only way he can get the pictures to the computer is through a fancy sort of telephone teleptathy called Bluetooth.

Now the phone knows how to speak in  bluetooth. But the computer has to be literate in this ethereal language too, so as to receive these thoughts.

In short, when a bluetooth-enabled device speaks, only another bluetooth-enabled device can understand. It’s like how women communicate. 

Hah hah! Little joke there. Trying to lighten the tone a bit. Yes. Umm. Well… moving on. 

You can attach a bluetooth gizmo to your computer to make it bluetooth-enabled (I am not going to say it’s like hormone therapy or anything like that, because I don’t want to continue with the gender stereotyping joke. Really, gender stereotyping is not my thing. It’s only women who can make sexist jokes and expect to get away with it. (Hah! Got you! You didn’t see that coming, didja! Two nil!)

So the computer, with the new gizmo from Simba Telecom sticking out of its side, could not hear the phone. I had been given the wrong device, I discovered. This was confirmed by my geek friends over the weekend.

So I have to dash over to Simba Telecom and get a replacement. I shall do that today. If I am successful I shall be able to put the nice picture I have on my (very very bollocks, stupid and lousy) Nokia 5000 phone up on this blog. Which was the point of the whole story.