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I want a new phone.

Okay, I don’t want a new phone. I want to want a new phone.

It’s quite schizo, actually. You might want to stand back. And get some protective covering. Hazmat suit.


There is a certain feeling that one gets from a new phone—the way it curves in your hands, its weight, its shape, its texture, the way it lights up to offers you its hidden delights, the way the whole world feels new and exciting again when you have a new phone.

I want that.

The problem is the only way it will work is if I actually wanted a new phone. Then the new phone feeling will have soothed a nagging itch, answered a persistent desire. It doesn’t work if you don’t actually want a new phone.



The current phones are, admittedly, very boring. The Katoorchi doesn’t pretend to be interesting, but the  Nokia 5000 is surprisingly very much more bollocks than you would expect. But that is no reason to ditch it and get a new one. There is only ever one good reason to get a new phone and that reason is that the new phone is awesome.




You have to lust after it. It has to call your name in the middle of the night. It has to insinuate itself into every thought. It has to make your girlfriend jealous and your boss suspicious. It’s not enough to just not want your old phone. You must want your new one.

And I can’t find a new one I like. 

You understand, don’t you? You know what it’s like, don’t you? I can’t be the only one.