Don’t you ever get that feeling?


I want a new phone.

Okay, I don’t want a new phone. I want to want a new phone.

It’s quite schizo, actually. You might want to stand back. And get some protective covering. Hazmat suit.


There is a certain feeling that one gets from a new phone—the way it curves in your hands, its weight, its shape, its texture, the way it lights up to offers you its hidden delights, the way the whole world feels new and exciting again when you have a new phone.

I want that.

The problem is the only way it will work is if I actually wanted a new phone. Then the new phone feeling will have soothed a nagging itch, answered a persistent desire. It doesn’t work if you don’t actually want a new phone.



The current phones are, admittedly, very boring. The Katoorchi doesn’t pretend to be interesting, but the  Nokia 5000 is surprisingly very much more bollocks than you would expect. But that is no reason to ditch it and get a new one. There is only ever one good reason to get a new phone and that reason is that the new phone is awesome.



You have to lust after it. It has to call your name in the middle of the night. It has to insinuate itself into every thought. It has to make your girlfriend jealous and your boss suspicious. It’s not enough to just not want your old phone. You must want your new one.

And I can’t find a new one I like. 

You understand, don’t you? You know what it’s like, don’t you? I can’t be the only one.



  1. Lol Zuena is pretty but iPhone still rules.

    Baz, there is some fail stool I wanna dedicate to u and Erique.

    Wait for it.

  2. Yes Baz. I totally get it. I mean it’s like the phone calls out to you and you can reach out and touch it then ask the MTN chick how much it costs then she tells you something obscene then you walk out cursing and promise aga walayi never to ask for the price of an iPhone again.

  3. as enticing as they are, if there’s one thing i’ve learnt, its that technology is a bitch.
    despite the care and love you give it, it will always let you down when you need it the most…then die once you’ve grown so attached to it!

    so i’d advise u to stick to your good old Katoorchi! at least when it dies on you you dont feel as bad!

  4. if u have workmates who look as suspisious as BAz,
    buy a katoochi place it next to an iphone…
    walk away,
    and return after 5 mins
    u’ll all understand and feel like Baz n Erique

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