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The president of Kenya broke millions of hearts around Africa this week when he announced that he is off the market and unavailable. “I am married,” he said. “To one wife.” And he pointed her out. The red-eyed harpy with the manic wig and the glass jar containing half-eaten testicles in her hand.  

A commenter on  thinkersroom.com reports that Mwai Kibaki’s relationship status has changed from “Complicated” to “Lord, Help Me!”

Maybe Kibaki shouldn't have put a ring on it

Maybe Kibaki shouldn't have put a ring on it

 

The president of Guinea Bissau died. Shot to death, interestingly enough. Analysts agreed that it is a very dashing and glamourous way to go, and that assassinations may be coming back into fashion. Coups are back in a big way! In the past five years  CAR< Chad, DRC, Equatorial Guinea, Mauritania,  Togo, Cote D Ivore and Guinea Bissau itself have done much to rekindling the trend of African governments being forcibly taken over by the military.

 

Farewell. I am off to meet the ancestors

Farewell. I am off to meet the ancestors

 

The President of Sudan is officially a wanted man. An outlaw. The ICC have issued a warrant for his arrest. Time magazine, part of the Evil Western Imperialist Media Conspiracy, published this

Last month, National Security and Intelligence Chief Salah Gosh said that anyone in Sudan who tries to execute the warrant will have “his hands, head and parts” cut off. As for the international community, he warned, “We were Islamic extremists, then became moderate and civilized, believing in peace and life for everyone. However, we will revert back to how we were if necessary. There is nothing any easier than that.”

You haha.

 

That’s all I had folks. Now you know why this sort of thing is Ugandan Insomniac’s job, not mine.

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