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Facebook is like a psycho ex who can’t let go. Not only will she keep everything that reminds her of you right where you left it, mbu just in case you ever come back, but I have discovered that she is liable to barge in on you when you least expect it and just start swanning loudly and embarrassingly around the place, acting as if nothing ever changed between you two, as if she has completely erased the memory of the break-up, carrying on as if you two are still together, introducing herself to everyone as your girlfriend, showing photos, telling stories of you together.

 

I deactivated my Facebook account a couple of weeks ago because it was taking up too much of my time. Guess what just happened? It just upped and reactivated itself.

 

Over the weekend I just started receiving notifications in the mail, telling me who has updated their photos and who has gone from “in an open relationship” to “single” as if that is not to be expected.

 

It’s not that I am not interested in the lives of my friends and loved ones; I really am, and I really do care. I care too much. That was a reason I left Facebook. Because once I start reading these things I find it hard to stop and that is jeopardizing my future as a famous and wealthy writer. I mean, Rita, you are my peeps to death, but I CAN’T GO BACK!

 

I was brave in the face of this. I had the courage not to plunge right back into that old addiction. I also had the very little airtime, so that helped. Instead of checking up on all my friends, I stepped away from Facebook, strode into Google and demanded everything he could tell me about “leaving Facebook”.

 

Which is when I learnt that the process is a lot more pernicious than I had originally thought.

 

You see, I believed that they just store your information in a dormant state, to gather dust in a filing cabinet down in the basement or something, where it does no actual harm. Instead I was to learn that cases of spontaneous reanimation are not uncommon. I am not the only one who suddenly found my account had popped up out of the grave unsummoned. I heard of people who have spent months and even years trying to actually leave Facebook.

 

There is even a group on Facebook dedicated to advice on leaving Facebook.

 

Well, I just figured out how you can do it. You need a Duff Nuttz.

 

There is this fool called Joseph Kiberu. He is also known as Joey Kibs and, in addition to that, trades under the name of Baby Joe.

He is a musician who lies on his Facebook page that he is massively popular in Uganda, on MTV Base and in the world.

 

He has pictures of himself posing next to fancy cars, himself wearing sunglasses while morose white women cling to his shoulder, himself smoking cigars and in other ways himself trying to be Master P.

 

Joseph Kiberu recently plagiarized a Sunday Vision article. He just cut it from the Vision site, and pasted it into his note and claimed he had written it himself. Anyone who objected had their comments deleted, anyone who insisted on objecting after deletion was de-friended.

 

I was quite incensed. Not just at the plagiarism (it was Angela Kintu he plagiarised, not me, after all.) or the bull-headed insistence of trying to cling to the claim that it was his work, but mostly at the stupidity with which he was going about this. I mean, moron please. It’s like stealing trousers that don’t even fit you.

(  http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=42565274964&topic=6183 ) That’s the link.

So what I did was I set up an extra account, under the names of Duff Nuttz, posing as a Rocko Atiss myself. And to illustrate my page, I used Baby Joe’s photos. Him with his car, him with his hoochies, him with his cigars. And in all of them I claimed that it was Duff Nuttz posing with his car, hoochie and cigar.

After populating my page (using a lot of bloggers incidentally as unwitting pawns) with friends, I hollered at Baby Joe to alert him of what was going on. I sent him a message along the lines of “I’ve got your pictures, bitch!”

Baby Joe Kiberu then reported Duff Nuttz to Facebook and because Duff was in violation of their terms of service, they terminated his account. It’s gone. Duff Nuttz has been removed from the site.

 And so there you go. If you want to leave Facebook, that’s how. Just steal photos, claim them as your own, and then send Joey Kibs (spelt with one ‘b’ remember that) an annoying message and the company will do the rest.

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