AN enraged raccoon bit off a man’s penis as the pervert tried to rape the animal.
Russian Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with friends when he leapt on the terrified animal.
“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned surgeons in Moscow.
Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.
Now, I know I don’t have a lot to blog about today, but I can’t just leave this just fwa like that. We have a special surprise guest with us. Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for former Russian man, Alexander Kirilov.
- Welcome to the show. I don’t know if I should call you sir. Do I still refer to you as “He”? What pronoun do those who no longer have penises take?
Kirilov: “You can call me it. Not because I have no defining gender attributes, but because I am a sick pervert who thinks bestiality is fun.”
- So, the first question, the question on everyone’s mind is, by the standards of disgusting beastiality aficionados like yourself, were you attracted to the raccoon or were you just gross?
Kirilov: I am stupid. I don’t even understand my own motivations.
- Is this the first time you have done such a stupid and disgusting thing?
Kirilov: The fact that I was comfortable attempting this in front of my friends suggests that I have done it before. I doubt that any person would stage their first attempt at a raccoon in public. Chances are, I was accustomed to this sort of thing.
- How is the Raccoon now?
Racoon is fine now.
- And you are?
Without a penis right now.
- Did the doctors refuse to reattach it?
They are in meetings with Russian Animal Rights Activists and People with Common Sense trying to find a loophole in the Hippocratic oath that will allow them to just throw my dick away, thus ensuring that I can never misuse it again.
- I wish those doctors every success.