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Raccoon bites man’s stupid pervert’s penis the hell off 

AN enraged raccoon bit off a man’s penis as the pervert tried to rape the animal.

Russian Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with friends when he leapt on the terrified animal. 

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned surgeons in Moscow. 

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

Yay Racoons.

Now, I know I don’t have a lot to blog about today, but I can’t just leave this just fwa like that.  We have a special surprise guest with us. Ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together for former Russian man, Alexander Kirilov.

  • Welcome to the show. I don’t know if I should call you sir. Do I still refer to you as “He”? What pronoun do those who no longer have penises take?

Kirilov: “You can call me it. Not because I have no defining gender attributes, but because I am a sick pervert who thinks bestiality is fun.”

  •  So, the first question, the question on everyone’s mind is, by the standards of disgusting beastiality aficionados like yourself, were you attracted to the raccoon or were you just gross?

Kirilov: I am stupid. I don’t even understand my own motivations.

  • Is this the first time you have done such a stupid and disgusting thing?

Kirilov: The fact that I was comfortable attempting this in front of my friends  suggests that I have done it before. I doubt that any person would stage their first attempt at a raccoon in public. Chances are, I was accustomed to this sort of thing.

  • How is the Raccoon now?

Racoon is fine now.

  • And you are?

Without a penis right now.

  • Did the doctors refuse to reattach it?

They are in meetings with Russian Animal Rights Activists and People with Common Sense trying to find a loophole in the Hippocratic oath that will allow them to just throw my dick away, thus ensuring that I can never misuse it again. 

  • I wish those doctors every success.

Thank you.