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From the people who brought you How To Start A Bar Fight and How To Slowdance With The Opposite Sex, it’s The Uptowner 12 Step-Guide Presents How To Cook! Yeah, baby! Applaud wildly! 

1. Collect your stuff. Expert cooks will tell you it is important to make sure you have everything you need right there in front of you before you even begin. You can assemble all your cooking stuff here on the sideboard.

2. What does this cooking stuff include? Glad you asked. Three things.

a) First of all you need equipment. A cooker of some sort is going to be required. Gas, electric, paraffin-fueled, they manufacture quite a variety these days so you could be spoilt for choice. You will also need saucepans and wooden spoons as well as the amusingly-named “skillet”. I like the sound of that word. “Skillet”. I wish it was a cussword. “Skillet!!” looks so much better than “bastard piece of rotfuck!!”

b) Secondly, you will need some uncooked food. The technical term for uncooked food is “ingredients”, which is not as fun a word as skillet, unfortunately. Examples of ingredients are eggs, onions, tomatoes, and spaghetti while it is still wrapped.

c) Thirdly, you will need courage in your heart. Cooking is not an activity for the weak. One small mistake and you could burn yourself or poison everybody. You need steely nerves and unshakeable conviction in the righteousness of your cause. 

3. Put some 80s music on. We learn from sitcoms that this is an essential part of the process. Every time they cook on TV, what plays in the background as we progress through a montage of hilarious scenes, including one where a character is covered in flour? That’s right. 80s. Pat Benetar, LaBelle or Bananarama. Wonder how they cooked in the 70s.

4. Have the phone nearby. It is my experience that whenever you start cooking, you will get a call when you are halfway through the process. It always happens to me. In fact, put the hands-free on.

5. Okay. Now light the cooker.

6. With a match, doofus.

7. Because you have not switched on the gas. Turn on the gas, then light the cooker. 

8. And the phone is ringing. The vibration on the sideboard is making more noise than the actual ringtone. Who is it? Brenda? Tell her what’s up. Tell her I have Heroes season 3 up to episode 12 so if she talks to me nicely I might be amenable.

9. I am sure you can fill the pan with water and place it on the cooker while you speak. It is not illegal to do both at the same time.

10. She wants Prison Break? I don’t have Prison Break. Put an egg into the pan. I don’t like Teabag. I have House, though.

11. Dude! Gosh. Give me a minute to grab my head in my hands and squeeze the way German superstar goalkeeper Ollie Kahn grabs the football. You don’t have to break the eggs to boil them. You put them in the water unbroken, whole, and without any cracks. Oh, Skillet!

12. Tell Brenda for me that if she is coming for the series, does she mind passing by Chicken Express?

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