We were watching Body Of Lies, that new DiCaprio thriller (Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott are involved too. Not a bad one-and-a-half hours. Go and do it, too) when this man, Mark Strong, appeared on the screen.
Mark Strong is a British actor, who played Hana Salaam, head of Jordan’s intelligence service. An extremely polite man and an exceedingly good conversationalist.
And quite a hunk, apparently. I mean, I thought he looked very clean and symmetrical, but besides that, it turned out, he was very handsome. My girl kept saying so.
No, I am not jealous of Mark Strong on the screen. I really am secure enough. No lie. I mean, I may not wear nice suits like Mark Strong, but we are us, you know?
Besides, while she was ogling Strong, I was also doing some out-checking of my own. Golshifteh Farahani, the lovely Iranian actress, was playing a local nurse and looking quite fetching in it.
So while kyana cooed at Strong, I was like — here I am going to use the words of another, which, though drafted after the fact, succinctly express my thoughts:
So you were like, “Yeah, I’m also checking out someone here, so knock yourself out.”
I figured we were even.
The next day I was on the internets communing with classy and cool and intelligent and stimulating people and, in the course of our conversations I mentioned Ms Farahani. And even linked to a photo of her.
One of them said, “You certainly have a type.”
A type? What type?
She kind of looks like your chick, he said.
I denied that virulently, because, well, I was having none of it.
I showed the picture to another chat-buddy, who came out and said it dryly. She looks just like your babe.
I was crushed by the weight of the realization.
“All she needs is a tan,” was KC’s assessment.
And the more I looked the more obvious it became. Golshifteh was totally infringing copyrights. The nose, the set of the lips, the way the eyes be, it was like someone saw kyana in Kampala, thought, “Great idea!” took down some notes and ran off to Iran to reverse-engineer another version.
When the shock wore off I began to understand the implications of this. Kwegamba. I thought we were equal. We were even. She ogles the guy on screen, and I also ogle the chick on screen. But now if the chick I am ogling looks just like kyana, then…
But Body of Lies was fun. I mean, it was way better than American Gangster. I am willing to let Ridley Scott off for American Gangster after this.