Fictional Office. Based on A True Story

World-weary office drone emerges from behind door. Shuts it quietly behind him. Looks around. Sees table. Table with two dozen upturned mugs and three flasks standing on it. Office Drone walks over to table, picks up flask labeled “cofee” (sic) and pours himself a cup. Tosses four spoons of sugar in. Lifts mug and sniffs, then takes a loud slurp  which is disgusting, but Office Drone is pleased with himself nevertheless. He looks at door, takes a deep breath to steel his nerves and  is about to return to meeting behind closed door when out from behind corridor and from stairwell leap colleagues from other department.

Colleages from Other Department: Hah! We have got him! Red handed!

Mothers Union Looking Colleague: Thief!

Snorty Geek Bastard whips out mobile phone. Takes photograph with camera phone. It makes the clicky sound even because he is so geek, he never even turned the camera sounds off the way those of us who take pictures on the clande do.

Snorty Geek Bastard: I have the evidence. We can prosecute.

World Weary Office Drone: What, if I may ask, the fuck?

Former Schoolteacher in the Nineties: Who allowed you to steal this coffee! (The exclamation mark indicates that his tone was that of one making a declaration, not asking a question.)

Mothers U: This coffee is for our department. Who allowed you to take it?

WWOD: I am going to repeat my first question. What the fuck is going on?

FS90s:  We suspected that people from your department have been stealing our coffee when you come here for your meetings. Now we have caught you in the act. What have you got to say for yourself? Eh?

WWOD: Wait a minute. You guys hid in the corridors and under the stairs waiting for someone to come out and get some coffee? This was a coffee stakeout?  You are shitting me, I swear. Shitting me like I have never been shitted before. 

Mothers U: And can you please watch your language?

Snorty Geek: Don’t make things worse for yourself. (He thinks he is in an episode of CSI Kampala Industrial Area)

FS90s: Where are you going?

WWOD: I’m going back to my Slow Death by Meeting ™. I just realized that there actually are more absurd places to be than in there.

Mothers U: Bring back our coffee!

Door shuts in her face.



  1. Surely your people dont have nothing to do. You should sent them to Kabulasoke and lusakalwamese for stories, they are wasting office space.

  2. Eh eh, coffee stealing from a different department is a real crime! Especially for some of us who actually pitch in to buy our own coffee. So stop making a light matter of it and return the coffee! (Exclamation mark for emphasis.)

  3. The editorial department should start looking at the flask labels. And Bukumunhe should know better than to leave the factory settings on his camera phone unchanged

  4. Bambi Baz–I knew newsroom coffee would cause you problems one day!! Olaba!! Why not concetrate on the flasks down there??

  5. So you are the one who does not want to contribute towards the coffee fund but love to have numerous cups always. They are deya tif

  6. hmm. in my former work place, i once went to another department to get a cup of hot water from the dispenser and on my way out, i heard two chics bitching about guys from editorial who come and ‘finish’ their water. Now, at the previous christmas party, i had heard very clearly the MD say that that particular sect of the company was indeed not making any profits, which means that their salaries, and indeed that water they complained came out of our sweat!

    how dare they complain about a mere cup of water that i had clearly earned? i went back inside and poured the steaming water in their faces. and my department paid for their plastic surgery.

    this stpry stopped being true at some point…

    and baz, that much sugar is not good for your wee wee, or whatever it is you call it these days

  7. Next time he intends to steal coffee, he should go to the Corrections Column guy’s desk. I don’t know him but I so hate him.

  8. It was only BASED on a story. Okay, the truth is, I was getting the coffee and someone from Bukedde gave me a disapproving eye. The rest was muchuzi. Sorry for lying. Okay, not sorry. It was fun.

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