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We had an accident a while back and the stems of my glasses fell out of alignment. One of them is tilted to the wrong degree and the result is that, when I wear them, they sit slightly askew on my face, with the left lens teetering a bit low and the right one a bit high.

I might as well be honest—the tilt is not slight. The incline is actually quite severe. People I talk to often tilt their own heads unconsciously when looking at me. Some go so far as to ask me why it is that I, and here you may want to cover your ears, look all bent out of shape.

I told you to cover your ears.

Hey, at least I didn’t say anything about looking “spectacularly bad”.

Oops. I forgot to warn you that time.

Look, don’t get mad. I have actually done you a favour. At least now you can relax in the knowledge that the whole Obama turning the white house black thing is NOT the worst joke you have heard all year.

Because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life surrounded by bad puns (giving, of course, as much as I take) I will have to get these glasses fixed. That is not as easy as it sounds.

The frames seem to be made of a pliable material, soft enough to lose their official shape, but for some reason I cannot just flex them back into alignment. They seem to like their new crooked misalignment better, and after laying them down on a level surface and trying to gently coax the right stem, which had been sticking wide and high away from the straight and narrow, down to the correct path, it shoots back with a twanging sound of defiance that I am sure is not just in my imagination. Then I am left with the image that I cannot be blamed for of a video ho’s legs. During the audition, perhaps. 

The internets, I think, after shaking such unwholesome thoughts out of my head. Why don’t I just ask the Internets? The internets know everything. 

After a few clicks’ search I find this: 

Re: Fixing bent glasses

« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2007, 09:58:13 AM »


Yeah, my brother is an optician.

He said to douse them with gasoline and ignite with a match. Should bend back into shape all by itself.


Something tells me this may be a joke. One that is not even as good as the black house one. Moving on.


Re: Fixing bent glasses

« Reply #7 on: September 02, 2007, 11:16:05 AM »


Go to a dollar store and get a cheap pair of glasses and just change the side piece –one or both.




Re: Fixing bent glasses

« Reply #8 on: September 02, 2007, 11:43:52 AM »


rearrange your face to the shape of the glasses



I then checked to see if I had googled my way accidentally to drunken-bastard-american-frat-boys.sarcasm and yes, I probably had. A bit more googling brought up two tips, which I shall now generously share with all of you, because you may have glasses of your own one day, if you don’t already.

If they are plastic, a bit of warm water will soften them enough for you to gently bend them back into place. Also, most opticians, at least those the internet is acquainted with, will fix them for free with their machines. I shall know which of these techniques works best soon. Wish me luck. I need my glasses straight so there is no distraction when I apply my trademark steel gaze upon those who even dare utter the words “black house” in my presence.


I leave you with this: 


For just