How To Develop Uganda: Lessons from President’s recent trip

Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni, who is fondly known to his citizens as “Ugandan President Yoweri Museveni”, has been globetrotting gaily through the news, and has been photographed, as if evidence is required, in the embrace of some of the most despicable men in the world. 


 

        

But besides the lolpresident potential of those pictures, why should we discuss this matter at all, especially so long after the heinous and embarrassing acts were committed?

Because UPYM didn’t only meet creepy despots and doughy warmongers. He also went to, of all places, Iceland.

How about that? Iceland. If he isn’t the first Ugandan ever to set foot there…

And that is the part of his trip that is going to affect the price of bread. 

Most of us know nothing about this country, and so it will surprise us to learn that it is in fact the most developed nation in the world, following the HDI standards, the same ones which make Uganda the 154th most developed nation out of 177.

There is a whole section of its wikipedia entry dedicated to extolling the magnificence of Iceland’s economy, but I am in a mood today. I don’t want to actually give accurate and considered assessments of things. I took a little glance and after five seconds drew up this profile of Iceland’s economic history. In brief, until sometime in the last century, Iceland was one of the poorest countries in Europe. After all, it was Iceland. It had no natural resources and hardly any people either. Iceland has a population of 320,000 people.

Imagine. 320,000. That isn’t a country, that is a sub-county. In fact not even a county—that is gombolola.

A major contributor to the wondrous and highly-developed Icelandic economy is fish.

 

Therein lies our lesson. Museveni cannot have failed to see the lightbulbs that would suddenly blaze above his shiny dome when he encountered this nation and learnt its history.

That is how you develop, he must have said. He must have turned to Odit and said, “You. Thingy, write this down!”

And proceeded to dictate a groundbreaking plan for development. “The formula is simple: Less people. More fish!”

And that is what is going to inform Museveni’s economic policy for his next term in power. Less People, More Fish. He will make you chant it like sheep.

He will seek to radically truncate Uganda’s galloping population growth rate and, since going into one’s fourth term one no longer required to keep up the pretence of democracy, he will conscript all able-bodied men into mining Victoria, Albert, Edward, George and the other English monarchs by force. They will be sent off, like, to fishing work camps. With no women.

If you put a lot of energetic young men together and deny them women, they may start to bugger one another, and if “Dr” Nsaba Buturo is right and homosexual lovin’ is soooo good that once a  man tries it he becomes instantly and eternally addicted, we can be doubly confident that the population growth rate will be curbed. 

That’s some analysis for you.  Now let me take this shitload of money to Salina.

18 thoughts on “How To Develop Uganda: Lessons from President’s recent trip

  1. “Victoria, Albert, Edward, George and the other English monarchs by force” you are a wizard, my friend, but tell me, you exact problem with m7’s third term?

  2. i suppose you typed that out after a hard day’s work mining fish at one of his excellency’s greatly hush-hushed mines…and those suits r nice-kinda like the stuff i wore for sosh way back in the day…

  3. so who do you think revealed state secrets? Laura or Janet?

    Janet; “hello laurie darlings, yes, its me your friend Jan. yes, i was wondering, what color suit is George wearing today? You see i am trying to pick out something fro Sevo to wear. since they are on the same team i reckon they should wear the same uniform…”

    laura; how does lightening blue strike you?

  4. Wabula those suits. I hadn’t noticed their colors before. Eh! What were they thinking?

    For a moment there, I pictured MP Moses Kabuusu presenting a tray of fish in Parliament with its bad stench as evidence that fishermen were catching immature fish.

  5. Baz–the tragedy is that economists like you are not sitting at that magnificent BoU structure next to Post Office. Instead we have dimwits who can not comprehend simple procurement procedures that they bungle ‘noble’ projects like the Temangalo one. Just wait, when our revolution succeeds, you shall be my chief economic adviser and advance such ideas like fishing and curbing population growth through homosexuality!
    On a less serious note Baz–when am I having my Audacity of Hope back? Haven’t you shown off enough with it–coz am sure you didn’t go beyond the first chapter!! Got you Baz–let everyone know!!

  6. @Minty, I don’t want to go to Iceland. If he is going to Disneyland…

    Nevender, have you ever seen me at all?

    @Don, I went into four chapters then it got old. The book started well, showing us a warm, idealistic, human character. A son, a father, a wife, a person. With potential to become great.
    Then he turned into a politician. While I don’t disagree with some of his positions, I really didn’t feel like reading a manifesto right now. Besides, I brought your book back, but you had gone to Monitor. I can bring it to BHH.

    @Sparkatus, did I say I have a problem with the third term?

  7. Thanks for the Finding Nemo pic, baz. and now on a totally off tangent, where could Nsaba Buturo and Finding Nemo have a link?

    Answer: Ellen DeGeneres [The voice of Dorie in FN] recently got married to another woman. And Nsaba Buturo HATES women who get married to other women.

  8. hey baz…Iceland also happens to be a huge donor to Uganda, may be that was the reason for M7’s visit to that place. ICEIDA is the org. that handles or distributes that donation. i hoped that u would had mentioned tat…but never mind…keep the good work on…the post was entertaining..
    cheers
    santos

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