I discovered to my great dismay this week that — give me a minute to gasp in consternation— Gasp! Gasp again! Gasp Even More!! — four copies of my mystery-detective thriller spy horror erotic novel can still be found squatting ignobly on the shelves of Aristoc Bookshop in Garden City.
What? Four? Why?
Why are there four people who have not yet bought this wondrous and stimulating fantasy sci-fi classic adventure novel? Do they not know what enormous benefits will accrue? Did I not say it was erotic?
It has been proven, in laboratories moreover, that this book massively increases sexual attractiveness in men. Case studies have shown that being seen with a copy of this book renders all men instantly Denzel. The following thoughts were recorded going through random women’s heads when they saw test subjects holding copies or Worst Idea:
“Oh my! I am suddenly overcome with desire! I want to be wrapped in his stringy little arms, to run my fingers through his unkempt kaweke and to kiss his chapped and smelly lips so bad.”
Similar, though not as drastic, results were found when the genders were reversed. Men found themselves completely unable to objectify women who held this book, as this transcript from a test subject recording shows:
“Whoa. Totally hot chick. Nice rack. And she is all kapapal—wait. She is holding an intellectual book. She must be very intelligent and must possess and excellent sense of humour and a wonderful personality. I had better not go over to ask her if it hurt when she fell from heaven. It evidently did, and smart chicks hate obvious questions.”
If that is not enough to convince the four of you to buy this book, then let me appeal to your patriotism. Support the nation, assist in development. Buy Ugandan products. I need to get tickets for Dark Knight.
And I think my writers block is gone, considering I just drafted 200 words of advertising copy.