It is hard for an arrogant, self-important, braggadocious, swoll-headed, shy, insecure little boy like me to ever admit this, but the evidence is too great to ignore.

You know the classic caricature of the writer at work? Unkempt hair, hornrimmed glasses, holding a single sheet of prose in his hands, glad to have finally nailed that story down?
Behind him lie piles and piles of crumpled up bits of paper.
The message herein is that before he can produce a single sheet of adequate writing, the writer has to labour through reams of crap, crap which ends up as crumpled paper in overflowing wastebins.

Now, the number of posts I have deleted over the past two weeks or, to fit with the imagery, the number of sheets I have crumpled has risen to the height of a daunting mountain of paper, looming above me and mocking my determination, forcing me to conclude that, yes, I have, in fact, succumbed to it.

It.

Writers block.

Shudder.

So I am going to take a break for a week. To rejuvenate, to revitalise, to recalibrate and to generally give the juices time to squish themselves back into the required consistency. Then I will be back.

In the meantime, I hope you don’t mind if I humbly offer you a few of my earlier efforts from The Sedition Edition, including…

 

 

 

Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Time to play Spot The Patronising Sexist Attitude!

Here is an exclusive interview with President-elect Miria Obote. That’s how good I am: a journalist so fresh that I give you the news even before it happens.

Q: Mama Miria, allow me to congratulate you on being voted in as the first female president of the republic of Uganda.

A: (Unfortunately, due to technical limitations such as the events not having occurred yet, I am unable to publish the answers to the questions. Apologies for the inconvenience.)

Q: You are welcome. Now, do you consider this a great step forward for women emancipation in Africa?

A: …….

Q: Well, that is your opinion on Elen Johnson Sirleaf, and you are entitled to it. Now, Mrs Obote, you are also the first Ugandan president in a while to sit in office without a first lady. I am sure you have got plenty of offers from men ready to be first spouse. My old school buddy Joseph Bwanika has expressed interest. Would you consider him?

A: ……

Q: I think it is worth thinking about. Because, imagine if you got married to him and became Mrs. Bwanika. Then we would end up with President Bwanika, even though we already voted so hard to prevent that from happening.

A: ……..

Q: Thirty-two in July.

A: ……

Q: I think you should meet him first, before you judge. Now, Mrs President-Elect, in one of your earlier interviews, before campaigns officially began actually, you put forward a very daring and ambitious plan to eradicate poverty.

A: ….

Q: So, when do I get my cow?

A: …. ?

Q: You told Andrew Mwenda that you will give us all free cows. I want mine so I can sell it and buy a new DVD player.

A: ….!

Q: No, my envy towards Mwenda is NOT becoming an obsession! Mrs President-elect, you said you would introduce a programme to donate cattle to the poor. By certain definitions, following certain indexes and measures, pretty much all Ugandans fall into some category of poor.

A: ….!!

Q: Okay. We shall argue about that later. What are you going to do with your political opponents? Are you going to lock Besigye in jail?

A: …

Q: I wouldn’t be worried about that happening, but I, for one, would have liked to see them try. Anyway, enough with the politics and the economics. You are a woman president, so let’s talk about issues that would be important to a woman president: Who does your hair?

A: …..

Q: No, I was actually just kidding.

A: ….

Q: I will. But issues such as the girl child, Domestic Relations Bill, Empowerment, Getting the right size of shoes – okay, just kidding again there—but generally, will the cause of women emancipation be further strengthened by your presidency than it would be had a man won this seat and if so, how?

A: …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . ..

Q: That’s easy to say, but will it work on the ground?

A: …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . .. …… ….. …. … .. . …. . …….. … … …… . … . ..

Q: Okay, we shall see. Mrs President-Elect, it has been a pleasure speaking with you. We look forward to your inauguration and your tenure in power.

A: …… ….

Q: Only three terms, maximum.

 

Postscript: This would be a great place to link to Minega’s excellent piece on voters and how they chose presidents.