You may not have realised it but you have been sitting on the edge of your seats for the past week, wringing your arms and snapping your knuckles white waiting for someone to hold an honest one-on-one interview with Robert Mugabe. And because blogs are better than newspapers, I can deliver.
Welcome to I Dance The Internet, Robert.
Glad to be here, Baz. Glad to be here.
Let’s get right into it. First question, of course is, Bob, why is everybody hatin’?
Well, different people have different reasons for hating. Take the Imperialist British Scum, for example. Do you know why they are hating?
Because of you abuse the human rights of your people with impunity?
Ten points for naïvette, Baz. Hah hah! You must have been born yesterday! No, son. Very many presidents abuse human rights, but they don’t attract such ire! This beef is personal.
The land reform?
That’s right. The land reform.
But as far as I know, you and the British had agreed that the land which settlers had taken during colonial times would be returned to indigenous Zimbabweans with time.
Yes, we had. The problem was we never figured out a way to actually do this. The farms were very lucrative and were doing very well for the nation. It was difficult to find a way to transfer ownership to black Zimbabweans without causing great economic upheaval.
But you did it anyway?
Yes. The natives were getting restless, as the saying goes. Hah hah!
Why do old men crack stale jokes and then laugh at themselves? That question is not part of the interview. Please continue explaining why the British hate you.
It was 2002. Elections were coming up and guys were restless about the fact that decades later the land had not been returned. I needed the support of the war veterans…
That is the people who fought for independence with you, fighting for the return of the land…
Yes. They were impatient to know when the promise they fought for would be realised. So I did what anyone would do.
You said, “Fuck the economy. Take the farms.”
Exactly. I said “Fuck the economy. Take the farms.” And all these luscious farms owned by Britons were overrun by my supporters. I won the elections, but the British were so pissed off Tony Blair couldn’t get it up for months. Cheri had to holler at her Jamaican butler for help. I don’t care though. Let them hate. I’m president. That’s what matters.
Thank you Robert. That was Robert Mugabe, international pariah, explaining why the British are hating on him. We shall now take a commercial break and when we return, more from our guest.
And we are back. For those who have just joined us, I am speaking with Robert Mugabe, reviled Zimbabwean head of state, about why he attracts so much hateration from around the world. Robert, you have explained that the reasons for the British government hateration are deeper than just moral outrage, and come down to money matters. Now, who else hates you and why?
Baz, Morgan Tsvangirai hates me.
Cos that is what he is paid to do.
Yes he is. Morgan Tsvangirai, the head of the opposition—sorry the head of the former opposition party, the MDC, is being funded by my haters in the UK. This fact is well known as it is all over the internet.
I have danced that story once or twice.
You see, you have to be paid to oppose me. No one in Zim has the balls to oppose me for free. I will fuck you so up if you try. Someone somewhere has to make it worthwhile.
Well, he didn’t manage to take over power. You ran him out of the village…
Like a dog caught sniffing at the cooking pot! Whipped him the hell out of town. Hah hah! You don’t mess with Uncle Bob! Bomboclart!
Cos you are one are a bad mofo?
Like Steven Segal! Don’t you ever forget it!
I understand that African leaders in your region are attempting to engage you in talks with MDC after the fiasco (no offence) that was your re-election, but I don’t know the details. I don’t watch the news anymore, because I was told that stuff is all lies calculated to make Africa look bad.
Exactly. Don’t listen to the BBC, listen to me. There is no crisis in Zimbabwe. Everyone is happy. Watch Idols.
And with that, we go for another commercial break. Here is some chick from Daniddy Kane. A pop group, apparently.
And we are back for the last part of this interview. We don’t have that much time left, Robert so tell us, briefly, who else hates you? Do people in Zimbabwe itself hate you?
No, they don’t. I have made it perfectly clear what will happen to anyone who even thinks of not loving me. I have hordes of hooligans with uniforms and guns who will assault, imprison, torture anyone who doesn’t. I can take on your entire hood. Ask that region from whom I withheld food aid because I heard they harboured opposition. No one in Zim hates me. It isn’t allowed.
That’s all we had time for kids. 1,000 words of post. We leave you with some eye candy for the laideees. Enjoy. It comes from www.lolpresidents.com.