Reuters reported this morning that no-introduction-needing Oprah Winfrey has been named the world’s most powerful celebrity for the second straight year by the panel that compiles the 2008 Forbes Celebrity 100 Power List.
This means, naturally, that she can have you killed.
Yes she can. Look, Suge Knight didn’t make the list, but Oprah did. Which means Oprah has more power than Suge. And Suge can have you beaten the fuck up. It stands to reason, therefore, that you are not safe from Oprah.
Update: I have thought about it, and I feel I shouldn’t cause unessecary hysteria around here.
First of all, I don’t believe the rumour that Oprah is evil. The story that she is an eight-hundred-year-old vampire with mind-control powers is just that: A rumour. She has been spotted walking around in the daylight on several occasions.
She does have enough money to buy the entire East African Region and turn it into a sauna complex for her poodles, but it is unlikely that she will ever actually do this, so we have no reason to fear her on that front.
Besides, if you don’t count the Balkan War (and it can be argued that the only reason she started and sustained those ten years of conflict in the former Yugoslavia was that she was provoked by the Serbians and Bosnians and had no choice but to show them who was boss) Oprah Winfrey has never used her powers for mass evil so, as long as you don’t piss her off, I don’t see why we cannot go on with our day-to-day lives as usual.