Have VIT, will travel

I have heard some questions about my cunning plan to get rich by schmoozing with the middle class at Akon’s Concert. I have heard some even suggest that this plan will not work.

You only doubt me, people, because you fail to understand me. This plan is pure genius. Remember, I have a VIT. That means I will be in the same area as all those imported-designer-jeans-wearing been-tos who live in the Have You Heard section. Let me illustrate with a little play:

Self: Sylvie Owori? Sylvie, baby! Hey!

Owori, big-time fashion designer, magazine publisher, ex-manager of Miss Uganda (back when it was lucrative) turns round and smiles her cute gap at me.

Self: Yo! I just wanted to tell you I love your work. Love your work. You are truly an awesome person, and I’m not just saying that. It is totally true. Awesome.

Owori blushes.

Self:  Look, here’s my card. If you ever need your car waxed, or your models massaged, or the benefit of my media experience or editorial expertise, you holla at me, okay? Cos I’m an awesome person, too. Let’s get together and make great things happen, okay? Great.”

And that is how I will get some of that Sylvie Owori money.

Next target.

Baz: Elvis Sekyanzi. Big El! El El Cool Sekyanzi! My dawg, what’s good, playa?

Elvis Sekyanzi, manager of the Silk discotheques, MD of WBS Television, sundry other businesses: Hello. You look familiar.

Baz: What a memory, man! What a memory for faces! That’s why you’re the man, Big El. Because  you pay attention to detail. Yeah.

Elvis Sekyanzi:Who are you?

Baz: You are probably remembering me from a few years back during that security infraction at Club Silk. It was all Dominic’s idea, by the way, and the other guy was totally asking for it. But forget about that. We all went to Serenity Centre for rehab and we are clean now.

Elvis Sekyanzi: Oh, yeah! Ernest Bazanye, right?

Baz: That’s right. Excellent memory, El! That is why you are always going to be the man! Hey, I appreciate you not pressing charges back then, and I’d like to show you my appreciation. Here is my card. If you ever need your dogs neutered, or your shoes polished, or a creative publicity consultant, give me a buzz, okay. I’ll keep a special discount rate just for you, okay?

Elvis Sekyanzi: Sweet. I’ll do just that.

Baz: Alright. You are the man. The man.
And it goes on.

Me: Hey, Angela Katatumba, right?

Angela Katatumba, singer, philanthropist, hotel manager, real estate heiress: Yeah. That’s me. Hello and how are you?

Me: I’m good. I’m good. Hey, check this out, could you do something for me?

Angela Katatumba: What ?

Me: Could you step aside so I can get past? I need to talk to that Celtel’s publicity manager over there…

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25 Comments

  1. U know what they say that when someone picks on u a lot, it only means that they have a mega crush on u!

    Baz, I think u have a mega Crush on me. Or u’re jealous of all the things I have!

    But, while we’re on that. U’re funny!

  2. what? you are not handing Angella katatumba a business card? You could make bricks for her to construct houses. Or you can watch the dishes at the hotel.

    Me says, turn around and give Angella a card after you talk to Celtel Publicity manager.

  3. Jamming needles into my eyeballs over the thought that someone whose forehead I have seen up close is going for the Akon concert.

  4. that’s a good one buz, if was angella, i wud hate u right now,& yo lucky akon even arrived, u’ll hav to tell us if yo plan goes thru, and did u really go to rehab 4 fightin’ at a club, well that changes everything, yo nolonger the distinguished-i-have-one-white-hair-in-my-beard-guy i thought you were, but the i-beat-up-guys-in-a-club-&-get-thrown-out-guy…I like it!

  5. uncategorized indeed. you and Lyrical G are the same. he claims he’s a genius.

  6. Ernest tell me you are a SMACK OB (sorry to invoke repressed memories) but just curious if its truly you…
    if not I will bugger off..

  7. gwe, dogo, am waitin’ 4 yo next blog!!!!!!!!(not that am a fan or anything) i’ve read this one since may 8, and i can say i have pretty much memorised it.

  8. hahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!! one of these days angela will knock ur ass with her awesome benz, and you wil be the one to pay…. i am running this idea by her

  9. Stop hating on Angela she dont shout nonsense on stage like Bobi Wine. She sing for a good cause I am telling you. That is why she get international interviews not those local ones of Red Rag. Dont be hating, she gat game join her for her For You Gulu n stop hating

  10. Tumwi I a trying to live my life here dont make me jump off Crested Towers with such talk. My eyes are itching already. If Baz went for Akon then I am not visting this blog ever. No wonder he is not blogging for Human rights. That idiot abused our human rights by replacing a whole country Uganda with state, birthday party or whatever silly thing his retarded brain came up with

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