I have heard some questions about my cunning plan to get rich by schmoozing with the middle class at Akon’s Concert. I have heard some even suggest that this plan will not work.
You only doubt me, people, because you fail to understand me. This plan is pure genius. Remember, I have a VIT. That means I will be in the same area as all those imported-designer-jeans-wearing been-tos who live in the Have You Heard section. Let me illustrate with a little play:
Self: Sylvie Owori? Sylvie, baby! Hey!
Owori, big-time fashion designer, magazine publisher, ex-manager of Miss Uganda (back when it was lucrative) turns round and smiles her cute gap at me.
Self: Yo! I just wanted to tell you I love your work. Love your work. You are truly an awesome person, and I’m not just saying that. It is totally true. Awesome.
Self: Look, here’s my card. If you ever need your car waxed, or your models massaged, or the benefit of my media experience or editorial expertise, you holla at me, okay? Cos I’m an awesome person, too. Let’s get together and make great things happen, okay? Great.”
And that is how I will get some of that Sylvie Owori money.
Baz: Elvis Sekyanzi. Big El! El El Cool Sekyanzi! My dawg, what’s good, playa?
Elvis Sekyanzi, manager of the Silk discotheques, MD of WBS Television, sundry other businesses: Hello. You look familiar.
Baz: What a memory, man! What a memory for faces! That’s why you’re the man, Big El. Because you pay attention to detail. Yeah.
Elvis Sekyanzi:Who are you?
Baz: You are probably remembering me from a few years back during that security infraction at Club Silk. It was all Dominic’s idea, by the way, and the other guy was totally asking for it. But forget about that. We all went to Serenity Centre for rehab and we are clean now.
Elvis Sekyanzi: Oh, yeah! Ernest Bazanye, right?
Baz: That’s right. Excellent memory, El! That is why you are always going to be the man! Hey, I appreciate you not pressing charges back then, and I’d like to show you my appreciation. Here is my card. If you ever need your dogs neutered, or your shoes polished, or a creative publicity consultant, give me a buzz, okay. I’ll keep a special discount rate just for you, okay?
Elvis Sekyanzi: Sweet. I’ll do just that.
Baz: Alright. You are the man. The man.
And it goes on.
Me: Hey, Angela Katatumba, right?
Angela Katatumba, singer, philanthropist, hotel manager, real estate heiress: Yeah. That’s me. Hello and how are you?
Me: I’m good. I’m good. Hey, check this out, could you do something for me?
Angela Katatumba: What ?
Me: Could you step aside so I can get past? I need to talk to that Celtel’s publicity manager over there…