Fictional. Fictional. I swear fictional.

Fictional newspaper meeting among fictional staff of a fictional newspaper. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Speaker on the wall: “Baby if you give it to me, I give it to you; I know what you want, because I got it.”

Boss: Meeting time. Bring your ideas for articles for the newspaper.

Intern: Letz rite abt th moble 4ne craz in Ug.

Boss: Okay, anybody with any ideas that are not stale? I mean, we have only written about mobile phones 4538 times since MTN first arrived.

Pro: I propose an exhaustive balance sheet analysis of the gains and losses of modern Ugandan feminism in the past two decades. The article can coincide with Women’s Day.

Intern: Letz rite abt campuz chics who lik 2 detoth oldr men!

Hot Office Chick: What is wrong with you? Why are you winking at me?

Office Sexual Harassment Guy: Something entered my eye.

Hot Office Chick: When something enters your eye you stare at me?

Office Sexual Harassment Guy: Me I am just rubbing my eyes. I am looking for inspiration and ideas.

Hot Office Chick: Do I keep your ideas in my bust? Stop staring at me.

Boss: Excuse me, can we please have one meeting?

Subeditor: Yeah, you two. Get a room already. The sexual tension is so strong it is interfering with my reception.

Boss: What reception? Wait, are you sending of text messages during my meeting?

Subeditor: Somebody is smsing me a story idea…

Boss: I wonder if the company’s health insurance covers eye doctors. Because the staff seems to be hallucinating. You seem to be looking at me and seeing the word “Born Yesterday” written across my forehead…

Speaker: “I saw the sign. When I opened up my eyes I saw the sign. Life is demanding, without understanding.”

Intern: Y not intervu a locl celebrity? Lik Geatano. He wz in th bg brthr hse.

Hot Office Chick: Intern, why don’t you go and get us some coffee?

Intern: U cant meke me get coffe. I hve a cntract.

Hot Office Chick: Then go to the toilet or something. I hope your contract allows that.

Pro: Can we get back to the meeting? I have an appointment with the spokesperson of the Private Sector Foundation in an hour.

Boss: Yes, we need to get back into the meeting.

Pro: I saw a WHO report on the mental health of people displaced by conflict. We should investigate and find out what the incidence of clinical depression is in among IDPs in Uganda. I can call the ministry.

Boss: Good. But let us humanise the story. Make it about the people, not just numbers and statistics. Make sure you speak to someone who has battled and survived depression… a nice heart-warming story of overcoming…

Intern: My frnd iz a dancr. Sh evn wnts 2 join Obseshn. Cn I intrvu hr n rit abt th lif of a dancr?

Office Wag: Kyokka this rookie has dumb ass ideas! Hah hah!

Subeditor: What is your major malfunction? Leave her alone. At least she’s trying. You what ideas have you brought?

Office Wag: What is my major malfunction? What is my major malfunction? Jeez! Hey, what’s the weather like over there in the eighties?

Intern: Wat duz he mean th wethr in th eighties?

Hot Office Chick: “What is your major malfunction was an insult used in between 1984 and 1989”. Hey, I’ve got an idea. Boss, let’s do a lifestyle retrospective of the eighties! We can include everything, from the music, to the fashion, to the slang!

Cynic: But you guys don’t know. There was no lifestyle in the 80s. Country was so broke that the way you con a chick these days by having a car, in the 80s you could con her by just having shoes.

Speaker: “Kiba kibi! Kiba kibi nga gwoyagala, mazima n’omutima takumatira! Kiba Kibi!”
Boss: Fuck this speaker!

Intern: Ther iz a grup calld th blue threez…
(Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Apart from the speaker. Unfortunately, the speaker is really there.)