Fictional Office (but based on a true story)

Intern II, also known as Smart Intern (not to be confused with previously mentioned intern, or “Intern I”, or “Dumb Intern”) leans into a doorway.

Smart Intern: Excuse me, the phones in the newsroom are offline. Is it okay if I use your phone?
Office Sexual Harrasment Guy: Of course. Heh heh. As long as you push my right buttons! Heh heh heh. Slurp.
Smart Intern (has misgivings): Um, well, actually it’s okay. Thanks anyway. I don’t really need to make the call now.
OSHG: No, don’t be shy! I was just teasing you. Guffaw! Guffaw! Of course you can use my phone. Come in!
Smart Intern (Gingerly, nervously, really not thinking this is such a great idea, steps over to the phone and dials the number. Puts the phone to her ear. Gingerly, nervously. Her whole demeanour is one of a person who would at that moment give her right arm with no bargaining for the power of teleportation. This is because the whole time she has been in the room OSHG has not taken his eyes off her bum): Hello… hello… um… I’m calling from—I mean, could I speak to—I mean is this… Wrong Number! (Slams phone down.) I think I will call them later when the phones in the newsroom are reconnected. It won’t take long.
OSHG (because such guys are useless at picking up nonverbal communication): It was a wrong number? Oh sorry. By the way, why don’t  you give me your contacts?

Just then Hot Office Chick enters the room.

Hot Office Chick: Muwanguzi, other phones are not working. I need to use yours.
OSHG (switches his attention right round to Hot Office Chick without skipping a beat): Of course! Of course! As long as you push my buttons right! Heh heh heh!
HOC: Dude, whatever. Where’s the phone?

She is about to reach for the phone when another voice appears in the doorway. It is Veteran Office Secretary.

Veteran Office Secretary: I understand the only phone that hasn’t broken down is in here. Can I make a call?
OSHG:  Yeah, of course. But you have to wait for Aggie. She got here first.

Smart Intern (who hadn’t left the room yet): Hey, how come you didn’t tell her to push your buttons?
HOC: You mean he also told you to push his buttons? I swear Muwaguzi, I don’t know which to be offended by the most: that you used a line, that you used a recycled line, or that you used that fake line!

In the doorway again. Dumb Intern, or Intern I appears.

Intern I: I nd 2 mk a 4ne col. Cn I uz ur 4ne?
OSHG: Yes, come in.

HOC, Smart Intern and VOS wait for it… wait for it.. here it comes…

OSHG: As long as you push my right buttons! Heh heh!

Bang! There it is! 

HOC: You know what? I suddenly remembered that there are people who sell airtime.
Smart Intern: Me, too. I don’t deserve this in my life.
Intern I: That what? That u wnt me 2 push ur buttons? Giggle giggle giggle and squeal! But u muwanguzi ur so noti! That I psh ur buttns!?

VOS: You can’t leave. Don’t you remember, the Welfare at Work committee resolved that you should never leave Muwaguzi alone in a room with any female employee?

Etc etc.



  1. baz, i am campaigning to take over your post as the fly on the wall, hope you’ve been saving for your days of unemployment.

  2. That is hilarious and you know what is funnier? There so is an OSHG in every office I’ve worked in, doesn’t help that I am always either the HOC or Smart Hot Intern (SHI).

  3. But Darlyne you’re a poser! Who says you’re hot? Shya. I happen to have been really blessed to work with sensible adults and never been leered at. Or there were hotter chicks in my office. Whichever. But yes, we want more, we want more, we want more . . .

  4. Now u just picture some giant Oga with dreadlocks as OSHG. And another Indian as Smart or Hot Intern…and a Rwandese as Hot Office Chic. Yep, that where I work. Times be interesting.

    So now we know that OSHG is called Muwanguzi. I know a Muwanguzi called Jeffrey. And Aggie???

    Lol…or as Innocent would say, Lotfrmao!

  5. trust intern1 to come in and save the day. that post was goin nowhere until he came in. long live intern1. may u never grow.may u always remain the intern. long live baz

  6. And where is the office boss in all this? I hope the office boss is female – then she can push the righ buttons on all these people.

    Is that the Muwanguzi I know?

  7. Baz, What hapnd to Lizzie and Rath Evanth Banton!!!!

    I miss those people. That’s what I miss most about Kireka Mathive and Bweyoth mathive.

  8. Cool look you got there. Now it makes it much easier to access your archives. Kudos bro. Peace out

  9. Gotta love intern 1’s accent. Let me tell you that I have a certain intern in mind.
    Plus, veteran office secretary? That’s a first. I thought sectetaries were always the HOCs.

  10. Like i said before, Baz can you hook me up with OSHG? The one at my office became NOG (nice office guy) after i hooked up with him and became his boss.

  11. office intern 1 should have her own post. she’s the star of the show, the “it” in “hit”

    ..ok the last part was really lame. …ignore it please

  12. does VOS wear tightass skirts with ruffles at the bottom n look faintly like the mum of te othe rguy u went to high school with?

    does she wear sensible midheeled pumps to work n walk around the office in flat shoes? does she sometimes have VPL?

    more of her please???

  13. Lol, degstar u sick sick boy!
    this is like The Office, but with so much more dialogue… and hence, funnier. More, more!!

  14. Great stuff Baz. And since i work under the same roof, I realy feel uncomfortable. Remember the adage on an old woman feeling guilty when bones are mentioned in a tale? Hi Kenyan chik…uko wapi…umepotea??

  15. Ya rite ,push the rite buttons are they inform of “balls” then they shouldnt be pushed but rather squezzed……….

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