Ladies and gentlemen of the graduating class of ‘08

Congratulations. You made it. Welcome to the real world. No more will you be considered a drain on our nation’s resources; you can now stand proud and call yourself a contributing member of society. You are not a student anymore, you are a full bona fide human being. And yes, you got the insinuation right: Students are, in fact, subhuman.

Welcome to the real world.

I guess it is better that you learn this sooner rather than later. I should tell you, rather warn you, that it isn’t easy out here.

Some of you will spend ages, in some cases years, looking for a job. Years of having doors slammed in your face, phones hung up in your ear, receptionists smirking superciliously behind your back as you slink back to your mommy’s house to continue to leech off your parents.

Some of you will give up even trying to find a job and will opt for self-employment or business, and will end up being all blue-collar and lowly, never again to even refer to the Arts degree you currently hold in such high esteem.

The unlucky ones, however will get jobs soon.

Oh, yes. Unlucky ones. Because the corporate world sucks. It kills your soul, destroys your spirit and reduces you to nothing but limp, weak, pulp.

Jobs suck. Those are the truest words I will ever tell you.

No one else will tell you this. They will congratulate you on getting the job, they will kiss you on the cheek and hug you across the bossom and begin to line up their daughters for you to marry.

They will also give you advice. They will say stuff like: Nyanyanya don’t fritter away your money on superficial things. Make sure you start saving immediately. You must invest in the future. Save your money. Don’t blow it on things like TVs…

Hi-Fi music systems

Portable MP3 Players

Laptop computers

Fancy phones.

But fuck that. Let me tell you. And trust me cos I am the only one who isn’t lying to you– Fuck saving. Buy. That. Shit. NOW!

But it NOW.

Because ten years down the road, when you are making two to three times as much as you got when you first started earning, you will wonder why the fuck you can’t afford any of it. I swear, I don’t know how it happens but the more you make, the broker you get. I can’t believe I never saw it coming. I used to look at senior ranking members of my office staff and wonder why they wear such tatty clothes, why they eat such lamer food in the cafeteria, why they live in such unglamorous ways. Now I know.

Moloch will suck the value out of your paycheck the same way he is sucking the life-force out of you.

So, that is my advice to chaps graduating. Waste money now. Because you won’t get the chance to waste it later.