Verbatim Vs Verbatim VI

In which our hero turns into a Kireka back alley to investigate a strange burning smell.

• It’s you! I really really should be surprised. It rips large gaping holes in my sense of morality to realise that I am, in fact, not surprised at all. It makes me feel like a worthless lout of a cynic to admit that I can stand here, gaze at this sight and be forced to admit to myself that I saw it coming.
• Wathup, Bath.
• Evans, what are you doing here in this dark, damp, dinghy alley?
• Nothin….I’m jutht chillin.
• Chillin?
• Thmokin’ a bud.
• I have two things to say at this juncture. Cough and hem. Those are not the two things. That was me coughing and hemming. The two things are as follows. One: You have just parodied an American Budweiser beer ad from way back in the nineties. But you weren’t even born then. In fact, you weren’t even conceived yet. I am sure your dad hadn’t even managed to overcome the cock-blocking activities of the playa-hatas when that phrase was popular, so to hear you crack it boggles the mind. The second thing is that, dude, you are smoking a bud!!
• Man, firtht chill talking about my dad. You don’t know him.
• From what I hear, neither does your mom. But young man, is it the lack of a father figure that leads you to behave like this? Smoking marijuana at such a tender age? Tut tut tut.
• It ith not tho much the lack of thufficient parental guidanthe as the fact that thith right here ith thome very good weed, but I will admit that I am a bit under the weather right now, and need to thmoke thome to kill the thtreth.
• Well, at this second juncture I would typically say “Good luck with that” and scuttle off like the unfeeling, unsympathetic ogre I am. However, you are right. That does look like some very good weed. So, pass the dutchie and let’s conversate. What’s stressing you?
• Hatath, man. Thethe hatath.
• Nsssssuuuuuu.
• This muthic buthineth, man. You can’t thrutht anyone in the induthtry.
• Nssssu-sssuu. Cough!
• I mean you think thomeone ith your friend, but then they turn around and thtab you in the back!
• No, they don’t.
• What do you mean? Were you…
• No, it is you who turns around. Otherwise how can they stab you in the back when they are facing the other direction?
• I thwear the way thome people thmoke a bit of weed and then thtart analything every thing!
• Enough about me. You were in the middle of an enthralling story about the haters in the industry and how the music business is full, chock full to the very brim, of treachery, perfidy and betrayal.
• Oh, thuddenly you are interethted?
• Of course I am. You think I am just pretending to be interested so you can keep on talking, knowing that the busier your mouth is the more time I get with the toot?
• Nthuuuuuu…. Here.
• Man. A small kid like you with vacuum lungs. Anyway, (nsuu-suuu), I recommend that you—it may be a bit premature to say this– but you should man up. Don’t just sit there and let her diss you. Fight back!
• Fight back? How?
• Like your hero Bebe Cool and all those other ones.
• You want me to record a thong ditthing Litthie?
• I, personally, would pay top dollar to hear that. I am sure it will go very close to platinum. Have you ever heard of a guy named Snoop Doggy Dogg?
• You mean Thnoop Dogg?
• Well, when he started he was called Snoop Doggy Dogg. This was years ago. Way before you were born. You were not even a concept. Your dad’s nuts had just dropped and he was still at the stage of being turned on by the mere sight of his schoolteacher’s ankles. Back then this fellow Snoop Doggy Dogg performed a song called Dre Day, which was about him dissing another guy. Some other rapper none of us had ever even heard of. The song was such a hit, next thing you know, Snoop has one of the longest careers in urban music.
• Really?
• Oh, yeah. Long career. I mean Snoop is a turd that even harder to flush than R Kelly!
• Intrethting hithtory letthon. Exthept that Dre Day, in which Thnoop wath dithing Tim Dog, while Dre dithed Eathy E, wathn’t on Thnoop’s debut album Doggy Thtyle, it wath on the Chronic, but I get your point. I am going to become a rapper.
• Nssuuuuu!
• That’th right. Em-Thee Evanth in the houthe!
• Word, dawg! Gwe, this blunt is over.
• Don’t worry. I got five on it.

And this delinquent behaviour continues.

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15 Comments

  1. kale even Rath Evanth knows more about the induthtry than you yet you were trying to thchool him.

    mbu I hear “obukadde magezi”-they lied. You are older than the rathta boy but he knowth more about the Wetht coatht rap than you do.

    Kale you are a bad influence, you just thhare the joint inthtead of admonithingthe kid for thmoking it.

  2. magoola where in heck did you come from! thought for once i would not only wear the socks but the boots too!!

    thnoop doggy dogg? dang! doggy style and the chronic was the ish!

  3. Oh, bath, thith ith thuch a thtrethful thtory. No moral lethon at all. (That’th me thpeaking, not imitating Evanth. Anti I altho lithp)

  4. Good boy Baz, knows how to take a hint. Kati next time, first whip Rath – I mean – Emthee Evanth before you ‘nsuuu-nsuuuu’ with him. Kids may be reading this page and believe its cool to smoke weed like Baz

  5. Victoria, take it as a cautionary tale. Our hero should have walked away. Instead he succumbed to peer pressure and let the rapper make him smoke. Children, stay away from naughty boys who try to teach you bad habits.

  6. my sister: “weed is for fallas like bebe cool! in fact, everything that has smoke is for fallas.”

    me: “even muchomo?”

    my sister: “u’re also a falla! muchomo doesn’t put smoke in you!”

    p.s. i like the new picture! real elegant… (unlike the one before, might i add)

  7. Are you being a bad example again Baz? We little children look up to you my archaic friend so you’d better lead us in the right paths. And thank goodness for return to humour and no serious issues.

  8. Baz, is yo finger in your mouth in the picture? Is that a supermodel pose???

    Thanks for bringing Rath back to the fore.

    Amen to that. Me I can’t wait for the day that Lizzie and Rath Em-thee Evanth meet up and have a sit-down. I think it’ll be explosive.

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