Our herois sitting on his veranda enjoying the mid-morning sun with a cup of coffee and a bowl of Koko Crunch when a shrill little voice interrupts his peace. No, it can’t be. Yes it is. Screaming Lizzie, the kid from next door Screaming Lizzie, the kid from next door!

• Hi, Baz! Yoo hoo! Guess who’s back!
• (Under breath) The herpes fairy?
• What?
• Oh, nothing. I didn’t say anything. I was just sipping my Star Coffee, eating my Koko Crunch and… wait. You are sitting down next to me. You are eating my Koko Crunch… you brought your own spoon! Lizzie, I know you are too young to know what herpes is, but you can’t be too young to know what kumanyira is.
• Baz, I am three years old. You can’t have a bowl of chocolate cereal in front of a child and not share. You just can’t. It is a felony violation of child welfare statutes.
• And you are such a slobby eater. Eugh! Okay, keep the cereal. I’ll stick to the coffee. You are not going to drool my coffee.
• Mumble mumble with mouth full. How have you been? You must have missed me terribly.
• You had gone somewhere?
• Oh, come on. You missed me, admit it. You must have wept slow tears into your pillow every night.
• Now that you are back, I probably will.
• Well, since you asked, I will tell you. I have been abroad to outside countries. I’m from the UK. Nzena nzena I have even become brown. Have I put on an accent?
• Hard to tell if you speak with your mouth full of cereal all the time. What took you to the UK? More importantly, what the hell brought you back?
• Baz, I sense beef.
• Beef has been on the burner for years. Since you started waking me up every time I am trying to nap. You with all your wailing and screaming and all the noise.
• You mean my “voice of a little angel”? Note the quotation marks. They don’t denote sarcasm. They indicate that it is a quote. When I was in the UK, one of the newspapers there gave a review of our performance and described my precocious vocal talents as the “voice of a little angel”. As you may have heard, I was in England touring with a children’s choir. CHOGM delegates invited us after seeing us kickin’ it for the Queen. We wowed the entire metropolis if London. I am a huge star. Don’t worry, I will get you that autograph once I learn to write.
• A children’s choir? What happened to your dreams of being the toddler version of Necessary Noise? What happened to your partner in crime, Ras Evans?
• Dude was holding me back. I had to dump the losers like Justin, Gwen and Beyonce did. You can’t let losers hold you back, man!
• Spoken like a true star. So, where is the Grammy?
• Baz, I am not into this for the awards, I am into this for the love of music.
• Like those of Angella Katatumba?
• Who is Angella Katatumba?
• Some singer chick who is always in the papers. You don’t know about her because you can’t read yet. And you haven’t heard about her because no one actually listens to her songs.
• Oh the fat one?
• You did not go there! I mean, even me when I hate on people I don’t go there!
• I feel nothing. I tell it how it is. She is a bambula. And nga she has insisted on showbiz, even when things have so obviously refused. Some people can lie themselves.
• “Lie themselves”? “Lie themselves”? Which UK is this you went to: Upper Kiwatule? In English we say “lie to themselves” we don’t say “lie themselves” unless we are local.
• When you buy Koko Crunch, my friend, you forfeit the right to call anyone local. Please, get acquainted with some cereal that is more styled up.
• You don’t like it? Why have you been stuffing your little face with it so vigorously, and why are you going to subsequently fart milk and chocolate poot-poots for the rest of the day?
• Do you have any more? This is finished…

And as his nemeis invites herself into his kitchen, our hero, sighs helplessly, not even bothering to try and stop her