I have a fancy phone. Sue me.

I used to subscribe to the utilitarian view that phones are for telephony — if it can make and receive calls, then it is adequate. Anything else is fluff and I don’t do fluff.

But then I saw the light. You see, this phone machati isn’t just for machati. Okay, the camera is—but what about the following? The following are not just convenient add-ons, the following are lifestyle necessities. How can one survive in this universe without the following? Where does a phone that isn’t fully loaded with the following get the nerve to call itself sufficient?

By the following, I  mean:

The MP3 player.

By now the 6230i is no longer a phone which also stores music. It is a music store which also makes calls. All I do is play Wu Tang, Bruce Springsteen, Eddie Murphy (Yes. Eddie Murphy. No, not the songs, clips of stand up. Ask me if you want some and I’ll hook you up ‘cos I am a fount of generosity), Budden, Buckshot LeFonque and the likes. But if you call me when I am in the middle of the latest Talib Kweli internet exclusive downloaded from allhiphop.com, when he is expounding on the dilemma of the urban black communities (should they seek to be assimilated into mainstream culture so that they can get a seat at the table or should they hold on to their distinct cultural identity, even if the consequences of that are ostrasication and racism?)  and you call me, you had better be telling me you are downstairs with my money.

The WAP:

I WAP compulsively. The tiniest bit of doubt over the most trivial question sends me skittering off to wikipedia. On long taxi trips which, to the average joe, are like life, that is, a torturous journey he has to face alone, I am glad to have a constant companion. Several constant companions, in fact: I have blogs, I have cracked.com, I have lolcats and lolpresidents. Generally.
Initially wap charges were very low, but I soon learnt why. MTN is a crack dealer. They start by giving you cheap drugs then, once you are hooked, they crank up the price. Now the bulk of the airtime I buy goes to WAP. I barely ever make calls any more.

I still want the same from a phone. The capacity to make and receive phone calls. But then, if my internet and my disco are included in the box, all the better.

Now, who do I talk to to trade in my 6230i for a 6300?