The Queen of England is an enigmatic figure, said my wise friend, Bothon. “No one is sure what she does. Or why. Or even if.”

 Now, presenting:

During the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting. Overheard
(Or When I grow up I want to be Cabinet Tales.)
Barbados: The thing with Zimbabwe is that every time you accuse Mugabe of anything, he brings out the race card. That I hear whites, colonialist, blah blah. That is why if we as the Commonwealth, seeing as we are largely constituted of black and brown countries, you get, — if we speak with a one voice of condemnation…

Queen: That would be excellent!

Cameroon: You, who said you could talk? Shush. Heads of government are the ones talking now. Your job is over. Sit quietly in the corner and knit something or whatever. I agree with Cameroon. If black and brown countries of the Commonwealth need to lend our united voice…

Antigua: But even you first wait. How are you guys going to condemn Zimbabwe when so many of your own countries have dubious democratic credentials? Now like Museveni here. Don’t you teargassing the leader of your main opposition party like once a month?

Museveni: What? I only did it a couple of times. And he had it coming! Besides, you can’t compare me to Mugabe.

Antigua: But why not? You guys have been president for basically the same amount of time, and you also stole property from non-indigenous citizens…

Museveni: That wasn’t me. That was Amin. Tell your attaché to brief you properly.

Queen: Those little children who did the welcoming dance. Weren’t they adorable? Yoweri, you must send me a video tape. They were …

Mackinon: Queen. When they said shush, what part didn’t  you understand? Are third world accents so inscrutable that even the word shush needs translation?

Queen: Sorry. I’ll just sit hear and go through this copy of African Woman that Sylvia Oworry gave me.

Mackinnon: Anyway, we have to hurry this on because we have to discuss Pakistan before the rain starts. According to this briefing from my attaché (glares at Museveni) traffic and everything in this town grinds to a halt when it starts to rain. Cam, you were saying…

Antigua: Yeah. I was saying that a condemnation from you despots would achieve nothing. It is morally compromised from the start. Let us the clean countries condemn him.

Brunei: But then it won’t be the whole commonwealth as one voice.

Mackinon: This is going nowhere. Next issue.

Museveni: But you guys have no idea. Mackinnon. You have no idea how difficult these opposition chaps can be. Besigye is such an unending pain in the…

Mackinon: I said Next issue. Pakistan. You guys, can we send squads in to snipe Musharaf? Does the Commonwealth have an armed wing?

Museveni: What do you mean, Next issue? I am the host around here. I say when we move to the next issue.

Queen: Um.. Can I say something?

Everybody: NO! SHUSH!

Grenada: Go outside where they think you are a big deal. Go visit a slum women’s income-generating project and get out of our hair.

Queen: What? Even you ka-small Grenada which, according to wikipedia has a population of only 102,000 broke muhfuckas you want to kick me out? Does no one here matira me?

 Everybody: No!

Grenada: Only Philip, and he is asleep in the back with Sam Kutesa. Sumagiraring.

Antigua: Don’t they look sweet?

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