Social Anthropological Studies of Toilets

Okay. There are three stalls and three sinks. A sink in front of each stall.

If you are a normal hygienic male you do not want to sit on somebody’s shitty shoeburyness. That is to say, you don’t want to walk into the loo some guy just defiled a second ago. You want a fresh one.

So, which stall do you go for?

I assume, I have not done the social anthropological studies to ascertain for a fact, that the best idea is to go to the furthest one. That is the one that is least likely to have been used recently because most other chaps will go for the nearest ones.


Unless most guys think they want the privacy of the furthest stall from the door. So that stall is actually the most popular.

I am looking at the middle stall with interest. It is probably the least-used stall because guys will avoid it in the name of privacy. I figure that if you want privacy, you won’t want a stall which is in the middle because the next guy to come in will have no choice but to sit right next to you. The furthest stall at least makes the middle stall available to act as a security buffer zone.

It gets worse.

What if you walk in and find one guy in the loos. He is at the sink in the middle.

Digression: There used to be a guy in this office who I and others called Heinous Anus. It was highly advised that any bowel movements male employees plan to have be executed before six o’clock. Because this guy usually liked to pass by for a hearty dump just before he headed home.

And what a hearty dump it was. The entire loo was a fallout zone for an hour after. You know those of until it is even warm? The entire room! Generally, if you saw Heinous Anus lumbering his big bottoms towards the gents, it were best you just surrendered and moved to the lower floor.

He retired, bless him, and so the loos are free from him now. Though there is someone we have not yet identified. We call him Splatterguts. He makes a mess. Eugh.

Back to the question at hand. You walk into the gents. There is a guy washing his hands in the sink. Which stall do you go to? You have to find a way of figuring out which stall he has just used and avoiding that one.

You would assume that it is the stall behind the sink he is using, right?

Not quite. I just got back from the gents. A guy was washing his hands in the middle sink. The middle stall behind him was occupied. The other two were vacant. The door of the further one was open. I assumed that is the one dude had just come from.

So I go to nearer one.


Footprints on the toilet seat and wiz all over the place.

I am going to buy a potty for myself.



  1. Def not blogger’s block. Bloka’s blog perhaps. HaHaHa! People are wondering why I am laughing this hard on a hot afternoon!

    The psychologists have something they call the Anal Stage of development. That’s when kids like looking into their potty, and might touch and taste if no one’s looking. Apparently some people for some reason get stuck at this stage, and all they can think of is pupu and it’s associates (pun happily intended). Baz sounds like a classic example. Got to call Munene and clue him in on this case study…

  2. It was suppertime. I was just about to pour some Heinz on goat ribs when I read this. The thing about Baz is that even if he is writing about sh*t, you just can’t help to read what he is going to say next.

    Well, there goes my goat ribs…

    Now I need Penicillin V.

  3. i was reading about potty training the other day(well, because my 10 months old niece has reached the stage). neyvar would have known that the info would come in handy for a fixated adult…let me go revise the notes then get back and brief you.

  4. Hihihi. I guess it’s hard to mind your own er, business, in that place.

    @cheri you’d be surprised the things pregnant women like to touch and taste and may I add, smell.

  5. Now I know why people take so long in the toilets … they are trying to decide which stall to use!

    I am laughing so hard, I can’t stop …

    @maybe toddlers like to look at what they have done in the potty and are even proud of it. I had to negociate with my first baby about throwing away her pupu. She would even say bye bye to it!

  6. All those of you going ‘eeewwwweeewwwwww’. Hands up if you haven’t made a hearty dump to rival Heinous Anus’s in size, smell, colour,shape and consistency. Be bold.

    There! I thought so! Sheepish faces all round. All of us do it. Am sure even the queen will leave a few in November

  7. dumps and references to douglas adams…i prefer to take them at home…stick to number one elsewhere…

  8. HI BAZ
    i read on phoebe’s blog where u
    asked about the butler concert
    so here is an excerpt from a freind who went

    Yes I could have missed the Hugh Masekela show, but this time Bin Haumba was not going to miss Jonathan Butler at any cost

    Am sure the name Bin has confused many of u, save for my friend CAO and my female accomplice Abubakar.

    Bin is an Arabic Word to mean “son of”. This is actually the word from which the infamous terrorist Osama takes his nom de guerre – Osama son of Laden or Osama Bin Laden if u want.

    Now that somebody knows that am Haumba’s son, let’s get there.

    For starters Jonathan Butler’s show was for purposes of charity and therefore cheap. Single tickets were going for only 120,000/= only, and I was therefore disappointed not to see many familiar faces at the concert.

    I expected to find the workmate of Kitlli Mbathi, but wappi?, Paul Mare’s workmate was also missing not even Kutesa’s workmate or Sekkandi’s workmate appeared. As if I only saw my former Workmate Pike.

    All the same the show was exquisite. Butler plays Jazz second to none in the whole universe. And guess what?, I was at the front raw, fully fledged with my acoustic guitar trying to pluck out some tunes of “Phillis’ most Wanted “cross the border” while waiting for Butler to step on stage.

    By the time the Jazz guru had closed shop, some lady who appeared to be in her early thirties had picked interest in me, partly because my e-mail is encrusted on my guitar and when she saw it she quickly remembered the unique e-mail that appeared on the papers a few weeks ago.

    Having positively identified me, she leaned forward and whispered out her name and also made her intentions clear. This was a bold lady dressed in a cashmere overcoat with matching stilettos.

    She said she wanted to show me that she knows better Ugandan Jazz that could make Butler envious, and be4 it downed on me as to what she meant by “better Ugandan Jazz”, she was already leading me to the exit.

    Folks, since we are adults, we shall not skin the animal up to the tail, it’s only children who do that. For us adults when we get there, we gently pull off the skin and it comes out nicely.
    Once again let me leave the rest to your imagination, but I think Ugandan Jazz is a force to Reckon with. Jonathan Butler should watch out, our ladies do better Jazz than his lunch time ballads.

  9. And to think that I have just finished the second episode of the New South Park where Kyle’s dad steals the Biggest Crap Guiness Book of Records record from Bono! This shit is so funny … and I am reading it at 1:15 in the morning! Thank you … Made my darkest part of the day!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s