man and boy

I walked into the office with my chest puffed out, my chin haughty and high, proud as a peacock (And not just any peacock. A peacock with a very nice shirt on) and announced that I was a boy no more.

I was no longer a callow, green, tenderfoot novice. “I,” said I, “stand before you today as a man. A real fully-qualified Ugandan man! Clap for me everybody.”

Instead of the applause, they asked what I was going on about. In the hope that it would expedite the applause’ arrival, I explained that I had just bribed a traffic cop and in doing so became a real Ugandan man. Because that is what real Ugandan men do. Real Ugandan men bribe the fuzz.

Some real Ugandan women do this, too, but a lot of them don’t. A lot of them just wear low-cut tops.

The cop was in the window whingening at me, his breath foul and his eyes bleary and bloodshot. He meandered around the point, dancing the way we all did in the days of jiggers, halitoting about how my friend had broken traffic regulations and how I should have been responsible enough to warn her etc. I soon had enough and so I raised my hand.

“Cut to the chase the way the rat in your mouth evidently cut to the cheese. You don’t want me to learn a valuable lesson, constable malodorous, you want me to bribe you!”

Whereupon the policeman sniggered sheepishly and muttered, “Now that you mention it…”

I whipped a note from my back pocket and tossed it into his face, telling him, via this contemptuous  gesture, that I was tired of him and demanding that he get out of my face. I am surely a man now. I am a Ugandan man. I be bribing traffic cops and then telling them to sod off. Whatabout.

“How much?” office people asked.

I told them.

And instead of applause they gathered around me to offer sympathetic hugs of condolence. You poor chap, they sobbed. You poor poor thing.

Apparently you can get out of a ticket AND get full convoy to escort you to your bar for five k.

And me I had given the guy a 20. He wins.



  1. As Donald Semambo-Ugandan of the future/Special Advisor to Kale Kaihura, i sentence you to 5 strong Kibokos for over-bribin an officer of the law. In simpler words, you gave a man who demanded kabalagala a full continental breakfast!!!!

  2. Baz, permit me to laugh..hard….heheheh…ok…back now…’ang on…hheheheheh……tihiiii…5k you get full escort…now 20k should have got you full armed escort 4 cars AND outriders…dude so sorry about that but…now you know what not to do when the Fuzz is about eh…ask my uncle…he is the wise one…one time he was flagged down for executing a U turn on one of the main arterial roads in town…so he proceeded to roll down the window and pleaded “i swear officer, i would not have done that had i seen you standing there, really!” then he continued “i really respect you guys and i know this is your office and would never even think of disrespecting you!” at this juncture i was struggling to keep a straight face and clearly i was not winning…tears of laughter welled up and thankfully the officer decided to let him go with a warning a split second before i broke out in guffaws as my uncle hurriedly drove away since he would indeed be booked since i am not quite sure that the officer would see the humour in the situation…i still am quite amused whenever i recall the incident…and i had many with him at the wheel…and he is such a wordsmith we always did get away with it…hehehe…ok done posting here sorry…gone to post on MY blog… 😀

  3. They have taken down your license plate for future reference. Ati, when you don’t have school fees, you just flag down this Corona – the man will unleash half a cop’s salary! You bought meat for the whole barracks, Saint Semps!


  4. Seriously! I thought you were going to recount your experience with circumciser’ s knife! Isn’t that how boys to men happens? And I swear halitoting is not even a word.

    And those of us with nothing to reveal with low cut tops do bribe – but not 20k!! And you are not even rich. Poor sod!

  5. Oh! And did the unleashing of the green bill (called ki-Nigeria in some parts of town) have anything to do with the fact that the offender was a she?? Unresolved plot there. How old is she? A relation of yours? A future relation of yours or a future relationship of yours?? Heck! I suspect you were broke or the ki-nigeria would have been a fifty

  6. Minty, the good old hump always works! You can even add a few pants, deep breaths …

    Sorry Baz, even I haven’t lost that much to a cop!

    I know this is very girlish, but I have found that bursting into tears also works especially when you have kids in the car and they also join in.

  7. Man, Baz needs help!!!!
    20k???? That’s airtime, transport, food for 2 full days, more airtime, ciggies and changaa….all for the lucky cop!

  8. Allow me… changaa, otherwise known as Kill Me Quick. Local brew of such potence that it has been known to be used as steriliser for surgical operations – one sniff and you go blind.

    The kind which goes for 300 bob for a ka quarter UG bottle. The kind that cops can generally afford and which deadens the majority of their brain cells. The kind that makes a corporal feel like a seargent… or is it the other way round??!

  9. It’s folks like you who make us look bad, giving us a bad name. I thought we all agreed all he needs is lunch. What’s with this baz guy? why not give him a blank cheque then?

  10. wama baz, tis not ur fault that you are generous. those guyz catch a raw deal all the time, u are just being a good samaritan…

    guyz, clap for baz…

  11. Baz, why would you want to serve the flowergirl with the whole cake? Her tummy fits one size 2 queen cakes. You look at these white-armed scouts and you give them 20 grand! Why, they will start a real estate business in seven days…

    Hold on!

    Hey, how about that? I shd enlist into the police academy. ‘sides, am over qualified.

  12. Baz, you went and did it this time! 20k!!!!! I am resigning from the army, police, here i come!

  13. Baz, my driving instructor always advised that we make sure to have coins lest the traffic cop flags you down. Who is talking about 5k? The 20k? You are lying he can’t have taken it.

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