Well, I never!

African Woman came out without my book review. Again.

Flashback. Previously on Selling Books: Our hero writes one. In the process of marketing the thing, he lands in the offices of African Woman (the magazine, not the Member for Ruhama) and gives them a copy in case they want to do a review.

They did not do the review, so I guess I don’t have to be nice to African Woman anymore.

But what am I supposed to be then? Nasty?

Should I be commenting snarkily on how uncannily close the resemblence in size and decor theme is between the AW office and my rat’s broom closet? Should I be suggesting that African Woman is little more than an overpriced pin-up poster?

I can’t do that.

Because, first of all, Sylvie Owori is Woman of The Year. She did what they all said could not be done. Can’t knock the hustle.

Secondly, I don’t care for their fashion pages, but you have to appreciate the fact that there are journalists out there who can, and will take a topic like the death penalty and treat it with the respect it deserves.

So, this is the compromise; if they won’t write a review of my book, I will write one for them.

 the book I wrote

The African Woman Magazine Book Review

Book: Ernest Bazanye’s Worst Idea

Author: Ernest “Baz” Bazanye

Review Ernest Bazanye’s Worst Idea? How? In words? In mere words? How? How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

This book transcends merely verbal description. To even half-adequately convey how awesome it is, I, your reviewer, will have to be transformed through magic and witchcraft into both Jessica Alba and Kerry Washington and then do twelve consecutive stripteases in your office at noon on Wednesday.

With chocolate sauce.

Because Ernest Bazanye is the finest writer the Museveni age has produced; he is a ninja with nouns, a maestro with metaphors and an absolute asskicker with idioms. The potency of this man’s literary gifts is so intense that our legal department has forced us to recommend that our readers do not attempt to touch his book unless they have a diaphragm or a femidom installed. Otherwise the African Woman’s African Ovaries are liable to be spontaneously fertilised by the proximity to the awesomeness, and Sylvie Owori will not be held accountable for the consequent bastards.

He wields his art with such finesse and panache yet, at the same time, such power and force, that were his keyboard a basketball, he would be LeBron. Were his keyboard a sword he would be El Zorro. Were it a strand of dyed horsehair it would be swishing and swaying around Beyonce Knowles’ head. But it is a keyboard and that is why he is Baz.

Phenomenally so.

Buy it please.

the book I wrote



  1. …So I can’t rag on African Woman…heheheh! That one was sneaky!

    HEhehehe!! Damn! This is what is called a rave review! But hang on…how do you review your own book?

    Hehehe …..do not attempt to touch his book unless they have a diaphragm or a femidom installed….. that one is priceless!

  2. Heh heh…. ROTFLMAO….

    Now let’s see what beats this Review. Kalungi Kabuye or the man who tastes food all over the place-Kironde shd borrow this leaf and never return it.

    Too funny.

    And here’s to my Secondies.

  3. Baz, I have no doubt that you are the Finest Writer of the Fundamentally Changed Uganda.

    Owori can go stuff her … cupboard with leopard skin shoes and shiny thingies. The nerve of the non-educated-on-everything-really-cool-and-intelligent shopkeeper.

    So … with that kind of support, do I get to qualify for a date with Idiom Asskicker?

  4. Just James LeBron? That sucketh. I was thinking … anti Kobe is still the hottest, no matter what, no?

    `Otherwise the African Woman’s African Ovaries are liable to be spontaneously fertilised by the proximity to the awesomeness, and Sylvie Owori will not be held accountable for the consequent bastards.’

  5. Aegeus you were so fast you commented while I was still editing my mbogos. You tell me after I edit out the pun?

    @ Mon Cheri, it’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.

    @ Ish, don’t tell me you are too gangsta for Sound of Music…

    @ Joshi, who doesn’t?

    @ Tumwijuke, what time do you get off work? 😉

    @ 2Sevolution: Dude, naawe. It’s LEBRON JAMES, say it right. Not Bryant Kobe.

  6. Just when i was on my way to FIDA to have you arrested, you say it all. You will be hearing from my lawyers soon, i think they just dropped your subpoena in Kireka, and why you got me pregnant.

    I read your Worst idea book and after a month started to get morning sickness. if you had put a warning somewhere, earlier, saying that we needed to have diaphrams and femidoms on, then maybe i would have spared you.

    I’ma sue you so bad, your grand children will live to pay the debt!!! But i loved the book!

    @ Tumwijuke, please be careful when you go out on a date with Baz. You will get pregnant just watching him smile.

  7. At this (miserable) rate, AW is going to come out only three times this year. Yeah, I know. So why not try other avenues for reviews? Maybe The Sunday Pepper or even (this is to strech it abit) The New Vision on, get this, the Bad Idea Page. No one will claim you are not original.

  8. I have a better idea,you could just stick the review on walls and electric poles,i see them people getting away with that stunt.Besides,AW will basically have glossy pictures so unless you put one of urself all smiles,no luck

  9. Dude, now you go and mutilate the post? hehehehehhe!! Starts sounding like i was smoking some illigal ish!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s