This is going to be one of those rare occasions when I blog about what is going on in my life; what is on my mind, you know, my true feelings and stuff.

I call this post “Die, Bitch Die.”

 Bernadette, my laptop computer, a Dell Latitude C600, was old. She had been old for a long time. If you are not a geek about these things, take a minute to locate one and repeat these details to him or her. Most likely him.

Say, “Cecil, there is a Dell Latitude computer that was bought second hand, originally had Windows 2000 on it and had only one USB port. And that was in the back. Is that old or what?”

At this point Cecil should collapse in derisive laughter. He should be stuttering through his braces about how inappropriate the word “old” is for such a relic.

But even though I paid more for her than the asking price of the LG Celeron Internal Cycle Modem Gigabyte thingammy being advertised in today’s Game Store pullout (I was ripped off. What do you want me to say? I’m sorry.) I wasn’t entirely unsatisfied with her performance. She could handle my typing speed (I am fast as greased lightning) and she wasn’t subject to the New Vision IT Department’s restrictions on being cool. So I had downloaded fun games, deadly-ass fonts, and nifty programmes.

I had Katt Williams’ Pimp Chronicles there too.

Most importantly, I had the entire Never Man manuscript, the next Nerd’s Eye View chapters, I had whole albums by dead prez, De La Soul, Joe Budden, GZA, Royce the 5’ 9”, Phil Collins… give me a second. Sniff. I need to pull myself together.

Many nights I lay awake in my bed hacking out long blog posts, reading stories downloaded from Slate and Salon, making lolbesigyes and conceptualising shit for Uptowner while thinking to myself, I need to buy a new laptop.

One of these days.

On Saturday I was at Garden City waiting for a client. The waitress came over and asked me if I need anything. “I can has cheeseburger plsthnkx,” I said. She smiled before she left, but I doubt that she got the joke.

I fired Bernadette up, wrote the coolest story ever eyvah and then hit save.


She froze.

I happen to be a great lover so I am not accustomed to this sort of thing. I had to take a moment to remind myself that even though she has a chick name, she is not really a female, she is just a computer. And when a computer goes frigid on you, you don’t descend into a spiral of self-doubt, you just reboot.

So I switched her off.

And that was it. Never to come on again.

She is dead now. The experts told me that her c-drive suffered an aneurism or something and it cannot be resuscitated. I can’t say I never saw this coming. I knew she was on her last legs, but the manner of her expiry—with no prior notice, no warning— just pissed me off. I have valuable information on that computer and she wants to die with it?  We have work to do and she just thinks she can just croak before it is finished?

This is what my chatroom OMG Like TOTALLY !!!111one! BFF said when I ran to her weeping for a shoulder to cry on.

Kenyanchick: But, and I mean this kindly, hasn’t she shown that you can, indeed, take it with you?



Update. Lolbesigye No. 004