Title to be announced in body of text

This is going to be one of those rare occasions when I blog about what is going on in my life; what is on my mind, you know, my true feelings and stuff.

I call this post “Die, Bitch Die.”

 Bernadette, my laptop computer, a Dell Latitude C600, was old. She had been old for a long time. If you are not a geek about these things, take a minute to locate one and repeat these details to him or her. Most likely him.

Say, “Cecil, there is a Dell Latitude computer that was bought second hand, originally had Windows 2000 on it and had only one USB port. And that was in the back. Is that old or what?”

At this point Cecil should collapse in derisive laughter. He should be stuttering through his braces about how inappropriate the word “old” is for such a relic.

But even though I paid more for her than the asking price of the LG Celeron Internal Cycle Modem Gigabyte thingammy being advertised in today’s Game Store pullout (I was ripped off. What do you want me to say? I’m sorry.) I wasn’t entirely unsatisfied with her performance. She could handle my typing speed (I am fast as greased lightning) and she wasn’t subject to the New Vision IT Department’s restrictions on being cool. So I had downloaded fun games, deadly-ass fonts, and nifty programmes.

I had Katt Williams’ Pimp Chronicles there too.

Most importantly, I had the entire Never Man manuscript, the next Nerd’s Eye View chapters, I had whole albums by dead prez, De La Soul, Joe Budden, GZA, Royce the 5’ 9”, Phil Collins… give me a second. Sniff. I need to pull myself together.

Many nights I lay awake in my bed hacking out long blog posts, reading stories downloaded from Slate and Salon, making lolbesigyes and conceptualising shit for Uptowner while thinking to myself, I need to buy a new laptop.

One of these days.

On Saturday I was at Garden City waiting for a client. The waitress came over and asked me if I need anything. “I can has cheeseburger plsthnkx,” I said. She smiled before she left, but I doubt that she got the joke.

I fired Bernadette up, wrote the coolest story ever eyvah and then hit save.


She froze.

I happen to be a great lover so I am not accustomed to this sort of thing. I had to take a moment to remind myself that even though she has a chick name, she is not really a female, she is just a computer. And when a computer goes frigid on you, you don’t descend into a spiral of self-doubt, you just reboot.

So I switched her off.

And that was it. Never to come on again.

She is dead now. The experts told me that her c-drive suffered an aneurism or something and it cannot be resuscitated. I can’t say I never saw this coming. I knew she was on her last legs, but the manner of her expiry—with no prior notice, no warning— just pissed me off. I have valuable information on that computer and she wants to die with it?  We have work to do and she just thinks she can just croak before it is finished?

This is what my chatroom OMG Like TOTALLY !!!111one! BFF said when I ran to her weeping for a shoulder to cry on.

Kenyanchick: But, and I mean this kindly, hasn’t she shown that you can, indeed, take it with you?



Update. Lolbesigye No. 004




  1. Kale…this firstie here has made my day. Ernest I owe u some shillings.

    Now for real, lemme go over to read the post.

  2. Sorry for the loss…i know i also get a tad attached to stuff i spend lots of time with as i see Bernadette also has spent many a cold night on your lap in bed with you **mind wanders…hehehehe!** and in her brain she had stored some rather vital info…may her successor be half the computer she was…not a difficult task if Bernadette is as you describe…

  3. ROTFLMAO…..The 1st paragraph led me to believe u had something real serious to write’bout. Then u wreck it with madame Laptop…

    Ernest, u’re crazy-insane. U need to have yo head checked thoroughly.

    Ouch….my chest hurts from all this laughter. And now I realise, I have a serious cough. I just launched a rocket amid all the laughter.

  4. sorry dude…shit happens. You got one thing right though, any computer is a “she.” Infact all computers are hoes. They have many “things” entering them…If u know what I mean.

  5. SSSHHHEEEEE…YYYEETTT!!! WHOEVER WISHED LIL LIZZIE TO BE AKONIZED SHUD BE STONED TO DEATH!!!!!!!Akon is a freak and he shud be banned like R.Kelly and added to the sex offenders list!!

    In other news, sorry for ur loss..i too use dell, but my Bertha is also failin in health..Dell Dimension XPS R450…

  6. Bernadette? Bertha? Is that like the next best thing to Beyonce or what?

    With names like that, I’d be tempted to die abruptly and inconveniently too.

  7. Um … poor ye. Woe unto ye.
    The drive sounds dead, since the boot-up is failing. Means the drive, where the boot-loader would throw you, is gone. If you see some grey crap before it freezes (or says something silly, like `No operating system found’, it is the drive.
    Otherwise, we can hope the problem is more-removed from the drive, and you can just get a new woman and put the drive in there, so you have two.

    Look who’s talking. I slit my wrists about my own drive. With all my fuckin’ diaries! I had backed those up, phew, but … it was dirty, yet.

    Plus, that piece about `just reboot’ … that rolled I and I over.

  8. Sorry, son. I know what it feels like losing files.

    Wait a minute Cecil is a he? My friend’s French girlfriend’s name is Cecil. Always thought that was for girls.
    And what are you doing chatting up mu baby moms?

  9. I do not mean to be rude, but Baz, where you having an affair with lets say, someone/thing else? Maybe we need to find the root cause to Bernadette dying on us like that. Are there times you totally forgot about Bernadette’s existance and focused on like your phone? I am guessing your phone has all this cool stuff on it. Just wondering!!!

    Yet again i think you should get another name for the next lap, maybe Nicholette. And please show her that you care….enough….atleast.

  10. Wait a minute….just hold up!!! Baz mentioned something about failing to sleep sometime…yet he was infact caressing miss Bernadette the entire night…hhhmmm???

    I cant believe we even gave you advice on how to get a good night’s sleep.

    Okay, have you tried tapping Bernadette’s ass or som’ng? Could help in the resuscitation, if you know what i mean!!!

    In this case, her ass would be…?? Have no idea. Do not do computers!!!

  11. With blogren like Baz running to me, rolling on the floor, gnashing their teeth and weeping for a shoulder to cry on is it any wonder I don’t get time to update my own blog?

  12. Oh bambi poor Baz…i know what it feels like when the babe strikes on you.And who sed laptops are female??? Mine is male.

    Man in life we need backup and backup for the backup’s back up if you know what i mean.

  13. ur gonna thank me. i bring news from beyond. Bernadette is very much alive. thru geek-type clairvoyance, she’ll be able to speak to you, just long enough 4 u 2 say everything u ever wanted to say.

  14. There’s a Betsy too, Maggie.

    Dante raised her from the dead! From now on I will refer to you only as “sir”.

    Conditions apply of course.

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