Verbatim Vs Verbatim IV


It is three-thirty in the afternoon on a Sunday when our hero is roused from his weekend nap by a noise at the door. He stumbles angrily over to answer it. He is angry because he hates being woken up from his weekend naps. It is the three-year-old from next door, Screaming Lizzie.

Screaming Lizzie


  • Yoo-hoo! Hello! Kodi! Baz, dear, open the door!
  • It is you, Lizzie, the sum of all my loathings! Questions tumble around in my enraged brain like metaphors looking for subjects. What did I tell you about waking me up when I am napping? What did I tell you about my desire to ever see you again? And most urgently, what did I tell you about calling me mbu ‘dear’?
  • I will pick the last question and ignore the others. You said some yaddayadda blah-blah about my being only three years old and then you went on an irrational rant about how patronising it is to have a three-year-old calling a grown man dear. But I can’t resist it, Baz, you are so adorable! I swear, if I was tall enough I would reach up and pinch your cheeksies!
  • Cheeksies? Lord, smite this child! I am opposed, in general, to the physical punishment of children, but I will make this compromise. When you are 20, Lizzie you have an asswhupping due.
  • Hah hah! You dinosaur! Do you think that by the time I’m old enough to catch an asswhupping you will not be too old to give one? I mean, look at the way your fists are trembling right now. Is that the waragi you had for lunch or is that the early stages of arthritis?
  • It is rage. I am furious at having been woken up from my nap just before Beyonce, Shakira and Sheryl Lee Ralph arrived in their limo. I am made more livid by the fact that it is you who woke me up, and I am incandescent with ire at all these mean things you are saying to me and how much they hurt my feelings. Whooozaaaaah. I will try to control myself. I will suppress my anger and simply ask what it is that brought you to my door, in the hopes that an abrupt refusal will be enough to get rid of you. What do you want?
  • Well, it is about your CD player. You are playing that Blackstreet album. I have come to ask you to be a bit considerate to your neighbours and turn it down.
  • Inconsiderate? But you guys regularly play your Young Jeezy album at wall-shaking, stadium-blasting, brain-pulping volume…
  • It is not the volume I have a problem with, it is the age of the music. Dude, us young and funky cats don’t want to listen to guys who shaved their names into the backs of their heads.
  • Lizzie, at three you do not even qualify as young yet. And nothing funky wears pampers…
  • Either way, can’t you update your music selection? Like get some Akon or something.
  • Akon? You know what Akon does to little girls? No wait. I won’t tell you until 10 years from now when you are young enough to know these things.
  • You are talking about that other chick you wrote about in the papers? I don’t see what she would be complaining about. I mean that Akon is a hottie with a body! I would have snuck into the club too just to get a piece of that! Whooo!
  • Argh! My ears! I can’t believe I am hearing this sort of smutty talk from an infant! I mean, WTF!
  • Watch your language, Baz, there are kids present!
  • You are worried that I might traumatise you? You are the one traumatising me with your being there three years old saying you want to do the dirty dance with Aliaune “Akon” Thiam!

And our hero runs screaming back into the house. He quickly replaces the Blackstreet CD with Bebe And Cece Winans and cranks it up to eleven to drown out the protests of Lizzie at the door.

Update: This is for Mataachi and Ish.



  1. The return of Screaming Lizzie, the waif of Wakiso, and ah, this memory is getting me no where! Is this what this writer’s block has come to? Bringing back to life long entombed characters? Oh wait, I think I have been doing this for some time too. But you wait when I start bringing back those “cool” campus players of The Goddess and Pyro…(where am I going with this? 😦 )

    Yes, this I like, I wish it was going on a little further. And I think it is about time I merited an invite over for craps and Jay-Z.

  2. Yay…Kale I run here to make a firstie only to be doused by Iwaya. Now lemme go read the post. I’ll be here to give a proper comment is less than….

  3. what is lil’ Lizzie’s case, is she stunted or what?
    She was 3 at the begining of last year and she is still 3.What’s her beef with birthdays?

  4. hehehee….Magoo, nice observation! Lizzie shd be made into a series….with progression in age.

  5. Walayi, I put something up about my fave line in this post….and wordpress swallowed it up…..unbelievable.

    anyhow this is my fave line…..”It is not the volume I have a problem with, it is the age of the music. Dude, us young and funky cats don’t want to listen to guys who shaved their names into the backs of their heads.”

    I humbly beg to borrow the term funky cats……I’ma use it sometime soon.

    It’s violating if u read this with the picture of a mapengo diaper-clad 3yr old in mind.

  6. I dont quite know Lizzie that much but reading all this makes me wonder, hhmmm, is she actually 3 years old?? Chick says more words than i dreamed when i was 13. Someone should go and watch Lil’ man again. We should do a new release for Lizzie, Lil’ ol’ lady…

  7. Mmmmmmmmm Lizzie sure knows how to keep you awake, doesnt she? From her wailings as a child at night to her verbatim now that she is 3 years old……..3 years old? Was that the age at which she stopped counting?

  8. If you bring back Lizzie, you must bring back either the tissue savage or that toilet cleaner who says thank you when u have done ur bizness!!!…and this is a protest of sorts by the way, if u think lizzie can throw a tantrum!

  9. ROTFL hebu give them a piece of your mind…how dare they…it may be true about the hair but…not any reason to hate…what has music been reduced to?..i ran into that video of that concert sometime in april and i was disgusted by Akon’s actions…

  10. @ Aegeus…I’ma leap to Akon’s defense here……How was he to know the chica was 14? She could pass for a 30yr old! And besides, 14 yr olds should be at home. Or in school. Or Sunday school-church for that matter, given that her papa is a Reverend.

    Brethren, I beg to exit the stage.

  11. That 3 year old is still 11yrs away from being “Akonized.” Shez not too young to be “Micheal Jacksonized” though! Tell her to watch her……butt!!

  12. Come to think of it, Lizzie should have gone that concert too. Hopefully she would have pulled some of her satanic moves on Akon too. Poor Baz!!!!

  13. but thank you for that depressing but human song. my yahoo messenger has refused to work so i have to thank you in public like this. i’m usually not this tacky…

  14. You people are so wrong. Mbu Michael Jackson. For shame!

    Ish, anytime you need to be depressed, you know who to call.

  15. Cheri noted…will email you the link and you tell me what you think after watching the entire romp…boned her i tell an inch of her life and its not about her being underage…its about respect for women…left her bruised…dumped at the corner of a stage when he was done with her…like week old trash…oh dear!!

  16. Akon should be imprisoned for this. He practically raped the girl……

    That chic will live to tell that story. Poor girl.

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