It is the 12-step guide to success.
1. Most people misunderstand the purpose of having bars. They think bars are for socializing and meeting friends and new people over a few drinks. But that is just part of the reason the government provides its citizens with bar facilities. The first step to starting and enjoying a bar fight is to appreciate that the true function of the bar is to provide adventure and excitement.
Some people say it is for meeting people to have sex with, but we all know the odds of that happening in a bar. Or maybe it’s just me.
2. Location Location Location. You need to find the perfect spot. You cannot start a fight at one of those prissy bars where they sell cocktails and stuff. Not a decent fight anyway. If you tried to, you will end up with, at most, someone spilling their martini on your Armani and then you crying until the bouncer shows up all like “Um, excuse me, but we might have to ask you to leave…”
There will be no blood. And we want blood. So first make sure the bar of your choice serves real booze. No Courvosier. Beer.
3. Analyse the bar, know its ins and outs, look at the habits of its clientele. What you are looking for specifically are two things: The first is a quick escape route—you will not enjoy the fight very much if you are not guaranteed a way to escape unscathed. The second thing you are looking for is the curve.
4. The curve is what sociologists call the graph they draw from a formula that factors in the number of people, how high they are and what time it is. There is an optimum position. At Nankya’s round Bwaise, the curve peaks at one pm. That is the best time to start fighting. After that people are so cut and their coordination is so bad you will just be wasting your time trying to get them to punch anything. The fools will be so zonked they will end up punching themselves, saying, “Take that. Ouch.”
5. Train. This is vital. Do some jogging, some push-ups, some sit-ups. This is a dangerous sport, starting and enjoying bar fights, and only the strong survive. So get fit.
6. Wear black.
7. Now you are ready for the physical aspects of this exercise. Enter the bar you have chosen at the time you have chosen as per the curve. Take a seat near the bartender.
8. Scope out the crowd. You are looking for a small guy who is very very cut. You know that particular level of drunkenness where guys be forgetting how different they are from Mike Tyson? If you calculated the curve right, there should be about a dozen of them in the bar by now. One of them in that corner there is assuring his buddies that she is not the one who dumped him— he is the one who dumped her, and he is better off cos that bitch was cramping his style etc. He is talking to his friends but they are not paying any attention to him. Good good. All the better.
9. Now go up to the pipsqueak and buy him a drink. As you inebriate him, pretend to listen and commiserate with him when he drones on and on about how hard it is to live without her and how sorry he is and how he misses her. Let him get morose. Then tell him that he is too much of a man to just lie there and let some other guy steal her away.
10. “What do you mean some other guy? She didn’t tell me there was some other guy. She said she was getting saved!”
11. “Oh, there definitely was some other guy. In fact, there he is.” Point at random. Watch with glee as his grip tightens around his beer bottle and he snarls, “I’m going to KILL that son of a bitch!”
12. Don’t enjoy the ensuing fracas too much. Even when the entire bar has been drawn into the melee, you have got to stay safe. That is why we put you near the bar. Dive over, and just keep peeping to check on the progress of your mischief. If the bartender is not down there with you, sneak a few bottles down your jersey. That is the enjoying part.