Let me be that I am and seek not to alter me

Here is a totally unexpected turn of events, a surprise move, a blindsiding, mind-boggling, totally discombobulating revelation: Warren is not a meathead ogre blinded by the very bloodlust that drives him! Gasp!

Apparently, evidence has been unearthed suggesting that dude is, a man of principle and honour with the elements so mix’d in him that Nature might stand up and say to all the world ‘This was a man!’

Warren Besigye is Brutus!

I have been convinced of this. I am in negotiations and have conceded this far. The way things are going, I will probably believe by the end that he can make an adequate president, because every question I raise is swatted out of the sky by these people.

One thing remains though: He still comes across as a bellowing Minotaur that will not be assuaged until you give it another baby to eat. Besigye needs an image consultant.

As you expected, I have some suggestions.

Go to Church!

Specifically a kilokole church. Not the ones of Jesus, one of the glossier, glammer ones; the Church of Sean John.

We want him to occasionally leap onto the stage from the audience (Sean John churches don’t have congregations) and take over from the choir master. We want him to go all Kirk Franklin on ‘em, hissing “Yes!” and “Yes, Lord!” interjections throughout the song. If he is wearing an evidently expensive suit in TD Jakes colours (bright blue, red or yellow) and pronounces it as “Laaaawrd!” he earns extra points.

Play that funky Music!

We should get him VIP tickets list for Africana album launches. Seat him in the front row where he can get caught by Barbara Yata’s cameras. Getting a little ka-lapdance from Nvannungi? Good. Buying the CD for multiple millions at the launch? Good. Going the extra mile and getting onto the stage to perform that version of the funky chicken that Ugandans here call “calypso”. Brilliant.

Warren Kizza Besigye should appear in a couple of videos too. Not dancing, just chilling on the sofa being doted on by video hoochiemamas. This could develop into him getting name-checked in Ragga songs the way those lingala guys kept shouting Sematimba’s name.

Outside the booth, why should he not mediate between the warring factions next time Chameleone and Fire Fire Base have a falling out?

Other publicity

I say book him on Straka, FatBoy and get dude an African Woman photoshoot. And there, bang! Besigye becomes a viable president.