Kwambox Returns

Kwambox left the Big Brother house on Sunday, taking with her every last iota of interest I had left in the whole show. 

Which should not be taken as an honest criticism of the programme. The fact that I hardly ever even watched it at all renders me soundly unqualified to comment on it. That is, unqualified to comment in anything but a shamelessly deceitful way. Which I shall now proceed to do.

Sheila Kwamboka became the most recent Big Brother evictee this Sunday, but the feisty Kenyan refused to leave quietly and achieved what University of Johannesburg statisticians believe could quite possibly be the fastest single-backhanded castration in history when Thami stupidly began to giggle after her name was announced.

Asked whether he will disrupt the show now that Thami’s balls are gone, Big Brother producers replied that they saw no reason to interrupt the proceedings. Thami wasn’t using his testicles that much anyway and if the time ever came when he had urgent need for a pair, Mimi would be more than happy to lend him hers.

Kwambox is out of the house now, but inside there is thick sense of fear. As she was dragged out of the door, kick and screaming in the hands of the burly BBA security men, she promised fiery and certain and painful retributions and the housemates do not know when or how they will arrive, but are certain that they are coming soon.

Tawana is particularly frightened. A special set of branded Big Brother Adult Diapers had to be issued to contain leakage since it became obvious that she was going to piss herself every time she heard a sudden noise and nothing could be done to stop it.

Morris has described his feelings as “mystical” and said he felt “enigmatic” before adding, “It has decalcified my magnanimity and bedecked my consternation likewise.”

University of Johanesburg statisticians were asked to translate, but they are still too busy trying to decode his speeches from three weeks ago.

Finally, TK vanished the night before last. There were scratch marks on the wall of the BBA house and rumours of a sighting at the Kenya Airways terminal at the airport, which have prompted a slew of brochures from Anti-Stalking bodyguard firms to fly to Sheila’s hotel.